Birthdays?

Throughout my life, I have not been able to celebrate my birthday with me having to cut the cake alone, blow the candles alone, and make a wish alone. This is because I will always have my twin sis with me doing all those routines. Before we went separate ways, I must admit that I have sometimes secretly hope that I could have my own birthday cake without sharing it with anyone else.

When I got to know that I could not spend this special day with my sis next year, I find it hard to believe..I cannot imagine this special day being spent without her by my side..she has somehow became a part of me all these years.

I was actually sad to think that she might not spend this special day of ours with me anymore in the future and perhaps, our birthday next year marks the beginning of our separation. When I told my friends about this, they were surprised and later, they were not interested in knowing it..I know that it might be annoying to reiterate the fact..

I soon got to know that one of my friends, A would not be able to go back to his hometown to celebrate his girlfriend's bday too..he was devastated as well..I remembered that I told them again that I will not celebrate with my sis again..another friend of mine ,B was like, 'Celebrate with her earlier la.' I wanted to tell her that my sis would not be back too soon and that by the time she comes back, I will be gone..but then, I kept my mouth shut knowing that she was irritated by it already. A told her back by saying 'There is a reason for that day to be called a birthday.'

His words really had an impact on me. I realized that birthdays are meant to be spent with our loved ones. A understands my situation as he knows how it feels like not spending this day with someone whom he really cares about.

I, however, must accept that this day will soon come. It just that time will tell when it comes. When this time comes, I should be ready to let go and move on with my life as an individual and not as a pair any longer.

Crappy?

I don't know why I am feeling a little down and moody..Seriously, I want to know the reason for being so myself..I know its funny and weird and perhaps, one day, I will be reading this and laugh realizing how stupid am I to write this post..Whatever reason it may be, even if I know the reason but dare not say it..I just feel like writing a post today..

I am been having mixed feelings about everything..I do not dare to hope for something too much and trust those around me too much..I feel like I was not part of it at times and that I could not change the situation because I know I am not the influential or the dominant one..I thought that I was good but then again, I realized I am not..Just as others who are self-minded, so too am I..but then again, I just can't help it because at times, I felt like I was being played or used instead..I guess I think for others to much- that is what my parents said..Do I think about others too much? I don't know..at times, I guess..

Avoiding the truth is what I always opt for..especially the truth about my feelings and thoughts..I will never admit or do anything that I think that I am supposed to be the one waiting and not the one taking the action..even if this will last forever..I don't care eventhough I really want it and need it..I am not going to change my stand..

Whatever happens now and then, I will be strong! I won't give up! I will try my best!

I feel MUCH better

I am glad today...actually, i fell MUCH better yesterday..After realizing that I will always have my mum and sis to turn to when I am feeling terribily down..After the EMO thingy yesterday, I seriously feel nothing but hopeless..however, the both of you have shine a light towards me without realizing it..=D

Thanks sis! Thanks mum!

You have made my day! I neglected you both especially you, mum..I am sorry! Sorry, mum!
I know that you are left alone at home during weekdays..left alone watching TV...reading the newspaper..doing the laundry..I know how it feels like being lonely..its miserable..VERY miserable..I promise that I will spend more time with you, mum!=D

Sis, although I didnt tell you that how my day was..but your call have made me felt a whole lot better..=D I know that I could count you but then, I didnt want to disturb you..I hope you will understand..

I really LOVE the both of you! I should have realized it earlier..i wished i did..=D

Sometimes its not all about me and sometimes its not all about you

I am feeling kinda down today..dont know why..now, is my EMO season, i guess..just wana let it out by writing it here..

I know i might not be a very good friend..ditching you when you really needed me..and worst of all, i didnt realized it at all..All this while, you have been initiating the conversation in the yahoo inbox and facebook chat box..those conversation are important for you but for me, they are just another normal conversation..then, today, you really hit me in the face and tell me "Hey, I feel miserable all this while and you cant see it!"...yea, I have to admit you are right though..I am fortunate in this aspect..but then again, I was there when you needed me..I even tolerated your nonsense, frustration, and attitude..seriously, you have to be considerate if you want others to be considerate too..this is one fact that you must know..not trying to say that you are bad but you will just have to be nice if you want to be treated nice..dont think you are the only one living..wake up!

Today, I really needed to talk to someone..so, i chose you but you have given me frustration..its partly my fault too because i didnt tell anyone about how I feel at times when i really needed them to be with me..I know you dont know how miserable I felt today..so, its not your fault..i wont blame you..

I know that you will not be reading this but I hope you will one day..PS: i know you have not been following my blog..hahaha..I even know that you have deleted yourself as my follower..i am sad when i first knew it but then again i did what i always do..act blur and move on..typical me huh?

I know i have dissapointed you but you have dissapointed me too..I know I have left you and you know what, I feel sorry for you..i think that is the reason why I have been listening to you and letting you to decide..If you think that I have not been thinking about you, you are wrong..I did think of you..I did think for you..but I guess that is just not enough..

What ever is it..I know if you have seen this post of mine, you will know who i am talking about..yeah, its about you and i want you to know it without hurting you directly like how you hit me in the face..you may not like it but this is me..i want to be me.. i am normal and i have my EMO season..

What ever happens, I want you to know that i am your friend and that I never regret being your friend and I hope you wont too..cheers!

With lots of love,
little girl with big dreams...

Life is maze, love is a riddle

"..life is a maze, love is a riddle.." is a part of the song "The Show" by Lenka..it has caught my attention when I am listening to it. I think I have to agree with it.

Life is a maze...we can choose so many ways to finish this maze..there will be paths that we choose to take and not to take..but will these paths, the path that we have chose bring us out from this maze?

Love is also unpredictable..no one can define love unless he has experienced it..love is a riddle until we have found 'love'..so, should we keep on guessing the answer to this riddle? Or should we just wait and believe that we will somehow solve this riddle?

You won't know if you don't try..

Cherry just spoke to me on the phone..we speak about anything ranging from food, friends, school to guys..she told me that she had some feelings for him. I am not quite sure if the feeling she meant was 'love' or simply just a 'crush'..She kept me updated with all her stories about him and her..

From the intonations and expressions, I could tell that she really likes to talk about him..When I see those expressions of hers, I remembered the similar situations which I have gone through..I know exactly how she felt and what she meant..I wanted to tell her not to put too much hope in any 'gona-or not gona-be-relationship' but I don't have the guts to tell her because I know how it feels like when somebody disagrees with you and says all those crap that you don't wana hear at all..all you wana hear is sweet stuffs and the word 'agree', 'go ahead', 'why not?', etc. This damn feeling can't be remove and be control..because it is just unquestionable, unjustifiable,...( I could go on forever with a thesaurus)..

Today, she called me again..she told me that the guy was planning to buy a present for another friend of his(who is a girl as well) and asked her opinion about it..she responded to him but she was rather pissed as she felt that he told her on purpose...maybe just an act to make her jealous..Then, she told me that she thinks that he is not what she is looking for..she told me that she has regretted for even dipping herself deeper for him when she knows that he will most probably not be the right one for her already..but then, a question immediately popped into my mind; 'you won't know until you have tried it, right?'

I know how it feels like when you think 'this-is-gona-happen','this-is-what-I-have-been-looking-for!', etc..However, it hurts even more when you know that he is just not so into you..he only contacts you when he needs help..I may not have been one of those lucky girls who have been in a relationship or those who have found their special someone but I have indeed experienced a situation in which I thought I have fallen for him..but..I realized that I was not really into him when he expressed his feelings to me..I just don't know why..it is an instant feeling that I had..When I told him how I felt about him, he cannot accept the fact..he even sent me messages again and again asking for my explanation and expressing his dissatisfaction(maybe hatred)..Now, I find him childish though I really appreciate his courage to express his feelings..hahax..at least, he had tried to sort things out and now, he knows that nothing is gona ever work out between the both of us..

Whatever happens, we should just move on with our lives..no matter how hard it is for us to take it or simply to agree it..why don't we look at it as an experience instead of a regret? Like I have said, you won't know until you have tried it, right?

Whatever..

I think it is very obvious to all that, nobody thinks alike..I know this fact..still, I am stubborn to believe it and apply it..

My mum once told me that she dislikes people who does not reply her messages or return her calls..When she told me the trouble and frustation that she has gone through because of those who do not reply her messages and calls, I understood what she has meant..there is no need for any further explaination because I felt that irritation and frustation as well..She told me that the replies meant a lot to her as they are indications of reporting back and informing the situation..I might not be able to explain them in words but I totally understand what was she trying to imply..

No matter how trivial are any messages or calls that I have received, I believe that it is important to reply them.. My mum's words had really impacted me. However, I think there is a drawback to this because I expect others to reply my messages and calls too! Here comes the frustation and anger! They simply do not reply those of mine! They do not think like me..

There was one time..it was long ago, my friend had received a message from another friend of mine..Because of her anger towards my friend in other issues, she did not want to reply the message..I was there..just right next to her..seeing her disobeying my belief..immediately, I told her to reply the message but she did not want to..I could understand the frustation of my other friend who is waiting for her damn reply! Sometimes, people are just so inconsiderate about what others may feel for their not-replying-act...sigh.

Recently, I have faced a similiar incident as well..the difference is that I am the victim, the one who waits for a non-existant reply! That message was rather important for me and it was urgent! To be truthful, I was mad and angry..I have waited all day long for a reply and I got nothing..Then, after a few days, I got a message from that same pathetic person..asking me a question that was rather important to her/him. To be honest, I had an intention of not replying to that idiot..hahaha..but I just could not help feeling sorry and guilty for my irresponsible act..So, I replied her/him after 20 to 30 minutes or so..I just could not betray myself! The guilt of not replying has controlled my actions! At least, I have the courtesy to reply! Unlike others who are so mean!

I know I cannot change this fact..I just need to accept that others are just selfish at times..

Whatever happens...I am just gonna be my true self regardless of what others may have done or might do about the replying-messages-issue...I just can't be bother by them any longer..I will always act according to what I think is right! =D

Time Shall Tell

This feeling.. I really don't know. I didn't think I was falling for it but I am starting to think whether I am. Sweet but I don't think it is sweet enough to start. What if my feelings betray my thoughts?

Is this real?

I admit I like to think about it. Sometimes this is the reason I giggled to myself. Then, I thought whether this was what I really wanted. Sometimes yes but sometimes no.

Someone told me that this feeling is hard to describe as it depends on how one perceives it.

It's so sweet.. I kept telling myself.

Can't it stay the way it is?

Maybe this is a new experience.

Something that I've not venture into before. It's a part of life.

Caring, sharing but not yet loving. That's how I describe it as. I am pretty sure this one is slightly different from the rest.

I've talked about it. Thought about it.

It seems that I like the way it is now. If there's any change in this, it will definitely be a serious one. Don't want to take the risk though.

It isn't that hard, is it?

No, it shouldn't be hard. I want to keep this a memory.

A happy one.

So, that I can laugh about it when I think about it when I'm old.

Funny. Naive. Wonderful.

I don't whether the other feels the same way.

Maybe not but I wonder if the other likes it this way. Time shall tell.

The answer lies in our hearts. If we really look into it, we will know what we want exactly. Just don't lie to yourself.

Hard part of Life

Now, i m busy with my application to US universities. It is so complicated...i kinda hate being part of it-meeting up the deadlines, writing the essays, filling up the details, etc.. I hope that i will be able to get through it..kinda tired of it..hahaha..

It is hard to decide which university to apply to coz there are many aspects to think of (eg, SAT scores, TOEFL scores, transcripts, recommendation letters, reports, mailing issues, essays, etc.). I admit I did broke down..coz I do not know how to get it done but I know that I need to get it done..I really dislike the process..and to think of it, I get headaches..haih

Everyone applying to the US is trying to be different. Then, I was thinking if everyone is different, then wouldn't different be common? Maybe common will be unique..So, wateva it is, I am just trying my best to be my true self..nothing but the truth..no lies..lol..

I guess it is best to just give it all I that I have within myself!

A Little Bit About Matriculation and More About Me

I am back home!! But only for 2 weeks.. The first semester of my matriculation program is finally over. A lot of people think that this matriculation program is the easiest pre-u course but after all I've been through, I am starting to doubt it. Well, never try, never know..

The life is hectic, tiring and stressful. I hate quizzes and lab reports. I think those are the only things that I dislike here. Oh, and doing everything on my own. haha.. how could i miss that?! Most of all, I miss my family and friends.

Apart from that, it definitely has changed the way i think and look at things. I start to think of good stuffs when I feel down. This is just to keep myself happy because life is not all we expected it to be. See the picture above. Something I found really extraordinary and beautiful there. :)

I met people of different attitudes and behaviour there too.It's true that everyone is unique in their own ways. I found a common thing in them though-hoping to get perfect scores. It can be pretty scary to come to think of it.

I used to be someone who is always worried over things and would get assignments done almost immediately. When I mingled with people here, I found more people are even more worried over stuffs than I do. They even got things done like in a split second.

If I were to rank myself there, I would probably be the average one. I am not like them because I am a slow learner. But still, I am not upset. I am happy that I could be myself.

I have made friends with some great people there. They are surely a different group of friends I've had. Another thing, most chinese speaks mandarin there. Some people found it awkward for a chinese girl like me not being able to converse in her own language. Lol.. I guess I am unique in my own way. Still, I thought it was important to get along with the crowd so I've decided to pick up in mandarin.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe God put me through all this to learn something valuable in life. Despite living in an environment I least favour, I kept reminding myself to stay positive.

God didn't promised that life would be easy but He promised that he would always be with us in our lives..

The game of silence

This is one game that I do not want, hope and wish to play. You will not know that you are in until you are signalled. I did not know that I am a player till then. Although I might be quiet, I will never be a winner of this game as I still have something within me-care. At least, I have tried to end this game. However, I realized that I do not get to decide when to end this game. It takes all the players to decide. When will this game end? Honestly, I do not know.

I am no expert and I certainly do not know how to cheat in this game. I have rolled the dice but it seemed like I have not move an inch at all. At first, I thought winning this game is a must. Soon, I noticed that victory is not what I really want and I shall not regret the path that I have taken. At times, I may seemed heartless and feelingless but remember, I am human too just like all the players.

I hope I can choose not to play this game. This game is torturous. What ever happens then, I surrender. You have won.

Lesson: Do what you think is best for all. Although your actions are not successful, you will have no regrets for not trying at all.

Right or Left?

After my semester break, I went back to uniten and we(sime darby scholars) have to join the JPA's orientation program..then, there was a little activity in which we were told to close our hands together.. I have been thinking about this issue since the day I got to know about it. I did not know that everyone places his thumb differently when he closes his hands together. Some may place their right on top of the left while others would have the left on top of the right...funny huh? It may be an oblivious thing to a myriad of people but this thing has made me think a lot about how does it relates to my personality and others's as well. I cannot help thinking about it..hahaha.

It seems that people with their right thumb on top of their left think before they act while the ones with the left on top are not cognizant about their actions. Well, I think this is really REALLY true yet creppy..

I have even experimented this on my family members...(wanting to know if it has anything to do with genetics or so...lol). I think it plays a tiny role. 3/5 of my family members(my mum, bro and I) place their left thumb on top of the right where as 2/5(my dad an sis) place their right thumb on top of the left.Honestly, I was surprised by the result of it as I was pretty sure my sis would have her left on top of the right instead but it turned out to be the opposite..hahaha. Then, it got me ponder for sometime. Maybe genetics is not a factor after all...lol.

Eventually, I kinda agree that those with their right on top of the left are much more rational and sensible. I have noticed that my sis do not make hasty decisions like me. She would think of the consequences first in any circumstances. As for me, I do not really think thoroughly and I realized I do regret for my actions at times. eg: I do blurt out things that are meant to be kept..lol. Trying to flash back on the moments I had with my sis, she rarely complains about her own actions compared to me. To think of it, she really thinks meticulously about her decisions and steps that she has to take.. I think this may be the reason that my sis is a slow decision maker...hahaha.

Have you ever experienced holding someone's hand and found it uncomfortable? My hunch tells me that maybe the thumb's issue plays a role...lol..I am yet to find out.

Giving up is a NO NO!

I just went for a talk which is mainly about the process of the US universities application. I must admit that I am very VERY blur about it. There are many things which I thought would be simple but in actual fact it's intricated!

Luckily, I had attend this talk. It is held in Taylor's College and I surely had benefited from the talk though...However, I realised that I did not have anytime to study for my upcoming exam(Math Foundation). The exam is on Tuesday at 8 to 10pm! I think I will have to skip my dinner..=(

Life is hectic!

What ever it is..I will try my best though. I had said that for about millions times to myself and I should keep my word for it. That has indirectly motivated me in the sense that I will have to do it because I have said that I would! hahaha...

I am retaking my TOEFL hoping that I would at least attain 25 for each section! Damn the reading section! So, my schedule now is much more tight compared to my classmates because I will have to attend to the TOEFL classes again! Then, I got to know that the TOEFL reading is cancelled just an hour ago! yeah! That means that I have time to study and relax in between. God is just afterall! (Okay, God is always fair)

I think I will stop now and start revising for my exam...

Lesson: Although you may be busy, do not give up!

We Create Hope in Life!

Life is surely not as easy as we think it maybe but it will be if...

I met a doctor who once said, "Sometimes life is not about doing something you love to do, but it is about learning to love what you do."

It sounded somewhat weird. There's a way to illustrate what he was really trying to say actually. He was actually telling us about his experience in becoming a doctor. He said he didn't like the night calls and the housemanship but he had to endure all these to achieve what he wants. So, there he is, a successful doctor! Well, he did mentioned that he learned to love what he had to do.

Personally, I didn't like the fact that I had to leave home and stay somewhere far away. Deep inside, I knew that it was best for me to go because it's a hope for me to achieve what I want in life. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Yes, it certainly is.

Even though I am away from my family, I bear something in mind. That's the only thing that keeps my dreams alive. It was the reason I left my family-my future. My hope is to see smiles on their faces when I return home.

...we have a reason and be persistent. Thus, we create hope in life!

Tips for making your day a better day!

Life may seem cruel at some point of our lives, however, we should always be ready to face it no matter how horrendous it is. I may not be very experienced in life but I really want to help those who are feeling terrible about themselves. Truthfully, I have tried those ways and they worked out for me. So, I hope this will aid those who read this as well.



1. Read inspirational books-they have a tremendous effect towards your behavior and they may change the way of how you look at things. Besides, they will aid you having a better perspective on life. I must admit that this has worked on me.




2. Quotes from personages-this method has its benefits too. It makes one more motivated. Also, it might be a driving force to a myriad of people when they wake up in the morning hoping to lead a better day than yesterday.




3. Writing a blog/diary/note-writing out how you feel about a certain thing is similar to expressing your feelings, thoughts and opinions about that particular topic. This enables one to open his feelings and eventually, prevents one from keeping his feelings to himself.



4. Talk to someone with a positive mind and positive attitude-they will make you feel better as they are optimistic and you will be influence by their positive energy that they potray. Eventually, you can avoid yourself from drowning even deeper! Maybe talk to someone close to you perhaps. As for me, I will give a call to my very own twin sis..lol.



5. Think about the good times-why don't we spend our time thinking of good stuffs rather than the bad ones? Flipping through the old photo albums or cards is another way.Try it. Always think positively. Let the good memories stay in the mind and do not let the unwanted ones in.
   
   

Crying?

Is crying a sign of breaking down? Does crying signifies a weakness? Or does it tells you that you are just being too emotional?

Crying may seem embarrassing and humiliating to most of us. At first, I have the same thought towards crying but now, I looked at it as a sign of regaining my satisfaction. This is because I think that crying is a sign of accepting reality-no matter how harsh or bitter it may be. Crying certainly alleviates one's emotion and well being.

People cry for many many reasons and surely everyone has their breaking point.

My grandma had passed away last year. As predicted, most of us cry for her lost, for not being to see her again, talk to her and express our love for her. I was despondent. I regretted for not spending more time with her or making any initiatives to talk to her..Right now, when I think of it, I know that crying would not have change any bit of it. What has been done is done. I can't do anything for her now..However, every time when I stood in front of the altar, I would promise her that I would try my best in everything I do, hope that she would always rest in peace and thanked her for everything EVERYTHING that she had done for me and my family..If I could turn back time, I will hug her tightly and tell her that, 'I love you!'.

Do you know what it feels like having someone really REALLY close to you being apart from you? I surely know that feeling...Being born as a twin myself, I used to think it was unique but sometimes I have a thought that being a twin means that I do not have my individuality because people tend to treat twins as the same individual. I used to hate wearing the same clothes like my sister and sharing the same toys with her..but now, I missed it sooo much and I would not mind doing it again!

She is my best friend, my close friend and my sister! Now, we have went separate paths in our lives. Good bye to all the sweet moments that we used to have with one another throughout our entire lives! I cried at the point when I knew that I have to eventually let her go...letting her go is similar to ripping a part of me out from my body and soul. Even she had cried. It is of no surprise because we spent practically our whole entire years together.

That point of time I realised that if it is for the better than maybe I should just accept that truth that she is going. Soon, I realised that crying certainly won't change a damn thing. No matter how much of tears we shed or how much of time we spent on crying, the reality is REALITY!
We just gotta move on with our lives. And crying surely is not a weakness. Crying is the first step for us to accept the truth.

Attitudes of Amazing Achievers

A few days back, I have just read a book 'Attitudes of Amazing Achievers' by Philip Baker. I think I did not make the wrong choice for reading it. This book has surely gave me an insight about what I need in order to make myself feel like I am an achiever and most importantly to be like an achiever!

Okay..I think I better get started already. Attitudes define our perspectives. This is true. There will always be sunshine and rain. Some of us(that inculdes me) might hate the rain as it gets us wet and it makes travelling much harder for the most of us. However, the farmers like the rain because it helps them to water their crops. Well, it is us who decide whether to like it or hate it. Eventually, it is us who determine whether rain is a bad or a good thing. If we look at things in others perspectives, we might feel a whole lot better!

Do losers win? I think that this very much applies to me and maybe a whole of people out there. Recently, I have received my TOEFL scores and today, my SAT scores. As I have expected I did not score well. I felt like an idiot who thinks she studies but didn't score. I feel crappy,shitty,angry,...(this would go on forever if I don't make myself feel better). I regretted for not trying harder. Yea, I must admit that I was rather upset about my results. However, to think of the good side of it, I actually know where I stood now. I know where my weaknesses lie and I have learned to accept that I have done my very best and this is me! I am grateful because I have another chance to redeem myself. So, I don't think that I have lost! Although being a loser, I have gain something valuable-self realisation and self acceptance.

Many would say that giving is receiving. It has some truth in it. If a little girl gives 10 cents from her pocket money to the beggar, it might not seemed to be very valuable. The beggar would most probably gave her a smile and thanked her. However for the little girl, she feels that she has helped the beggar and to see the smile painted across his face meant a lot for her. As little as 10 cents is a lot for her because it is her pocket money. She may not be able to help the beggar all the time but at least she has make a day out from the beggar's life.

So are you an achiever? Seriously, it depends on how you look at things. Lastly, things aren't always as bad as they always look.

Lesson: If we look deeper, we might have gain something from them..something much more valuable than triumph! =)