Silly Me Again

I have become the clumsy girl at home for my records of troublesome events and now, I made it even clearer for that title. It was a happy day for some and a busy day for some. For me, it was a day when shit just happened. Lost my wallet unknowingly until I found out the next day. Too bad, too late, some things can't be saved. Lost some belongings and lost the mood for the day because it happened in the morning. It was my first time making a call on the highway while shivering all the way through. I was panicking while speaking on the phone with the bank operator and broke down while speaking to my family. I didn't feel like talking about it even until now. :/

Not having anyone else with me when it happened taught me to keep myself calm. I was only trying to make it through the day on my own. I drove to the side to stop and calm down. Being an emotional person, I cried many times. Even when I was speaking to the police, I think I started panicking again. God save me from this mess.. The biggest lesson in this incident was to be more careful. 

Thanks to those who were concerned. I wasn't in the right mind to thank you all but I really do appreciate it. It was a long day. :/

Just say and be whatever

Finally, my days in Paediatrics are over. It's not like I didn't like the posting or kids but it was quite a scary posting. Knowing that the chances of failing the short case was high, anyone in that position would have struggled to pass that exam. When I think about it, it reminded me about the irritable baby and the kid who did want to be examined. Gosh.. Of all times, it had to happen during short case. -.-!!

I guess it went okay. At least it wasn't as traumatizing as others' experiences. I am just glad that's it was over. After short case ended, that feeling of relief was the "Ahh.. finally, I want to just do nothing" one. Truth be told, I knew I had to get back to my research work which I did. I went through it on that same day till Saturday. I chose to work when my friends had already made plans to go out on Friday. Sad but in the end, I realised that I have one person who will always come for me. Mummy! The only companion who was willing to accompany me for my short breaks of lunch and dinner when I was doing my research work. She was also the one who was listening to my complaints. She had her own problems in her work place too but she tolerated my bad temper nonetheless. Sometimes, we have our small little arguments but eventually,  we are still good with each other. :)

To come to think of it, I never really had many friends or people around me whom I could just say or talk about my own stuff or just be myself especially when I'm angry or sad. It was easy for me to be happy around everyone but really talking to someone about my problems was hard. I used to have my sister to be the one whom I could just say whatever I want but I guess different time zones took that away from us. And I guess I eventually turned to mummy for all these. 

It's not that I don't have friends who are concerned about me but somehow or rather, I couldn't bring myself to do that. I did unintentionally broke down into tears or had moments where I burst into anger in front of some of them but of course,  I was quite emotionally affected at those times and I didn't like to spoil a day out with them by just talking about my problems. I didn't like to show much emotions when I'm around a lot of people nor was I a person who could express myself easily. Afterall,  I have always wanted to be that tough independent girl since secondary school. Back then, I was the naive girl who didn't know how to stand up for herself because she had a big sister who was so protective over her. Miss those days when I could count on my sister. To come to think of it, it was only since I went to KMK, I learned to be on my own. No one referred to me as the twins anymore but just my name. 

I think this is a pretty emo post and maybe the most emo I can go. Lol

the reason why i smile

Just watched titanic for the second according to my sister. I don't remember what had happened, honestly. I must be too young that time. Anyway, it was one of those movies which I teared out for. I think it was a moving story with emotional build ups and of course, romance. Eventually, I have ended my day while listening to avril's smile..hahaha! and the lyrics just seemed so much better and yes, it was indeed the right way to end my Sunday. :)

It is right rationally and wrong emotionally

I don't think I should be posting this now being that I am supposed to be studying for my midterms on monday and tuesday but..I think I need to. As I was walking down the street..many things..believe me..a lot of things came into my mind. I was walking aimlessly..hoping that the wind will hit or smack on my face even harder everytime when it blows. I want to wake up and be real again. I just have a feeling that I am faking something. As if I was not being me..or maybe it's the other way round..I am losing myself..I don't know what to say or how to describe it but all I want to do is be alone and scream all I want. Crazy? Don't worry I am still sane. I am sure of it..hahaha! I know why I am feeling frustrated but I think it's the right thing to just let it go because in the end, there will be nothing left. That frustration came from my very own feelings and not my mind. I just felt like I needed something but I know I can't have it because it's the wisest option to not have it. I know I am crapping. Yes, I am but I really need this one. I need it. :')

My day ended just like that..

Last night, I have to study for my chemistry quiz, read the calculus textbook(I have to if not I will be so blur in the lecture) and do my economics homework(lucky, I did the homework because we had a pop quiz the next morning..hahaha).
That time I was truly glad that I had drop psychology. It will be too much for me. I can't handle too much of subjects.

After studying for a few hours in the library, I went back and of course, I was hoping that my sis, my family or some friends of mine would be online. I was checking my umich mail and ctools for any announcements and assignments. Then, I saw "Patricia Low signed in"!!!

I guess it was very predictable that I would immediately called her..HAHAHAHA..but unfortunately, my calls kept on failing..skype is not all that good after all. The connection in her place was really bad. She kept on signing in and out. It was not a good news for us. Instead of chatting, we ended up trying to fix the connection. All those precious time that we might have used to chat had wasted just like that. :(

When we have finally got to chat, she was about to rush to somewhere else already...my day ended up with dissapointment but I managed to sleep because I was too tired..LOL.

What would happen if...

I always have this thought in my mind "What would happen if...". I wondered how things would be like if I have acted differently. They might have been better or worse but I won't know because I have done it and nothing could change that. I thought it was the best choice of all of my possible actions but I was wrong. It was not the best solution at all. None of us were not satisfied or happy. It ended up with anger and frustration. I don't know what to say or do anymore. My eyes were teary red but even that couldn't help me in anyway besides letting off my emotions and feelings. I was all alone knowing that I couldn't possibly reach for any immediate help because it would only made it worse. I would feel even more terrible and not even enjoying the time that I have left here. If this is a math problem, I will solve it logically but too bad for me, its not. I don't know what could have possibly been the right move at all. I am really out of mind and words..I want things to go smoothly. Maybe we should stop tolerating and just say what we want. It makes things much easier. Although we may sound stubborn or selfish, maybe that is the solution. Both sides were trying to think the best for one another but this has only brought heartache. So, what is the point of trying to tolerate at all? It has never make sense to me but all these while, I have finally knew that I have chose the wrong action. Everything is just so messed up. I really want it to be fixed but I just don't know how.

It's me

Are you with me? You don't seem like you are. I thought you would but I guess I was wrong. I don't even know what else you are hiding from me. I have the rights to know because it's all about me and not you. It's my thing. You think you can handle it yourself by not telling me?

Please let me grow up. I may act a little unreasonable but do you even know that I only act like that in some situations? Some in which I do not need to hide myself from showing what is really happening in my mind and thoughts..Some in which I can feel free to express and explode..I hate restrictions, really. I am no more what I was before and I am not sure if I am better or worse because I have doubts about myself. My emotions were jumbled together. I must not be emotionally disturbed. You have to let me decide and learn. It's time and there is no more 'next time'.

These few days were filled with heart-breaks, headaches, anger and frustration between us. I don't know how to fix it. So, I am just leaving it and see what happens next. I don't even expect an apology but I want sincerity and care. If you think I am least bothered about it, then you don't even know me well enough. In fact, I don't even think I know the 'real you'.

I am tired of this. Let's put this aside and let it rot if it ever will. I hope it does.

This is My Situation

Am I emo-ing right now? Yea, I am now because I failed to let it go just like that. What does it feel like being in my shoes? I really dunno how to explain it but I think there's only one person who knows how to explain it in a better way. I felt like I have grown up too fast, maybe faster than any other person who is as old as I am. I know too many things when I was young. I know what complicated means in the real world. That's why I have always like things to be simple.

When the one person whom I thought was supposed to be the person holding this burden all a along wasn't doing his job well and the worst part is that he asked another party to do it for him, what the... Hasn't he prepared anything? Maybe he doesn't wanna be apart of all this actually, then why does he wanna tell that it's ok but in the actual fact, it is so not ok. I would prefer not to know this but since I have known this already, why doesn't he just be totally honest with me?

Sometimes I feel like I am depending on others. Honestly, I don't like it but can I choose? No.. When something feels so wrong is right in the other person's eyes, I don't know what to say anymore. I really hate to be stucked in between but I know I have to be involved. It's just because everything that happens now is due to my existence. Nothing feels right at the moment. There is no solution.

So, this is my situation.. What role am I actually playing?? I don't know because I am torn in between. It is like when I thought I have reached the top of the hill, I saw another hill in front of me. And then I realized that in every end is a beginning. But this time, a beginning of a misery.

Smile

I shall smile for as long as I can
Thus, every picture will be filled with happiness
I shall smile for that I am leaving for the good of it
Hence, I will be much happier
I shall smile when I have done my part
Thus, memories will be kept for as long as possible
I shall smile every now and then when I think of it
Hence, I will always remember those smiling moments
I shall smile for those around me
Thus, they will be smiling along with me
I shall smile for those sad and hard times
Hence, I will not regret for what has been done
I shall smile for myself
Thus, I know that I am moving forward and nothing shall be bitter about it
I shall smile for my readers
Hence, they will be smiling after reading this post of mine

Smile for that its worth
Smile for every good times
Smile for you and me

=)

Change for heaven's sake

You know that you have agreed to this and yet, you still yap. What is it with you that you can't even compromised? Seriously, I have kept my mouth shut all the while..ok maybe, I have snapped a few times but yea, it was because of your stubbornness and unawareness of what you were saying all this while. Do you know that what you have said meant something to the people around you? Do you know that we have feelings too? Are you dumb or just ignorant? I know that you are obviously not oblivious! I used to respect you when I was younger. You used to be my role model, my leader and lots more. Back then when we were younger, we were naive and innocent. So, there was nothing that you or me could have done to hurt one another but now, you are supposed to be wiser, more mature and experienced and yet, you act the other wise. You tell the people around you that you are always RIGHT and we are always at fault?! Please wake up.. Do you know that you sound like a kid when you said that? I don't want to think that but you made me to. I have tried to change your thoughts somehow but I have failed again and again. Everytime when I try, we will end up quarrelling and it goes on. When will you start to realize? When will you ever know that the people around you are not against you but we care for you? When will you stop being so self-centered and start to love others like how you love yourself? You said you are selfish because you know yourself better. Are you sure about that? Are even close to be certain about you knowing yourself best? I don't know but what I know is that life is tough and in fact, the people around you are facing a much harder life than you are. Do you even know that? Do you even try to envisage yourself in our shoes? Maybe you should live our lives for a day, then you will know how much we have been through.. I am not boasting about it but in fact, you are considered very lucky and I am sure of it. Please just be grateful is all that I hope for. I know it is pointless writing this post because I know you. Still, I believe that you have something called 'feelings', 'love' and 'responsibility' in you. I don't want to give up trying to improve you and I know I must not because it is for everyone's sake. I can only hope that you will realize one day..maybe there is only one person that could change you and I am pretty sure that you have not meet him or her yet..whoever you are, please come and save him as soon as possible..I can't stand it no more. Enough is enough.

Responsibility

Responsibility. I guess everyone of us will know what it means but then not all of us define it as it should be. Honestly, my definition of it is very simple and I stick to it. Its just frustrating to know that people around you are not serious in taking their own responsibilities. Maybe I expect to much from those around me but don't they get it? I mean its just a very simple word. Just stick to it. What is so wrong with it? At times, I am so fed up of sticking to my own beliefs and thinking that they will think the same too or at least, have the conscience of what is right and wrong. I guess they are just least bothered and feelingless. I have nothing to comment already. Whatever happens, happens. I can't be bothered much too. I will stick to mine as long as I think is right.

I feel MUCH better

I am glad today...actually, i fell MUCH better yesterday..After realizing that I will always have my mum and sis to turn to when I am feeling terribily down..After the EMO thingy yesterday, I seriously feel nothing but hopeless..however, the both of you have shine a light towards me without realizing it..=D

Thanks sis! Thanks mum!

You have made my day! I neglected you both especially you, mum..I am sorry! Sorry, mum!
I know that you are left alone at home during weekdays..left alone watching TV...reading the newspaper..doing the laundry..I know how it feels like being lonely..its miserable..VERY miserable..I promise that I will spend more time with you, mum!=D

Sis, although I didnt tell you that how my day was..but your call have made me felt a whole lot better..=D I know that I could count you but then, I didnt want to disturb you..I hope you will understand..

I really LOVE the both of you! I should have realized it earlier..i wished i did..=D

Sometimes its not all about me and sometimes its not all about you

I am feeling kinda down today..dont know why..now, is my EMO season, i guess..just wana let it out by writing it here..

I know i might not be a very good friend..ditching you when you really needed me..and worst of all, i didnt realized it at all..All this while, you have been initiating the conversation in the yahoo inbox and facebook chat box..those conversation are important for you but for me, they are just another normal conversation..then, today, you really hit me in the face and tell me "Hey, I feel miserable all this while and you cant see it!"...yea, I have to admit you are right though..I am fortunate in this aspect..but then again, I was there when you needed me..I even tolerated your nonsense, frustration, and attitude..seriously, you have to be considerate if you want others to be considerate too..this is one fact that you must know..not trying to say that you are bad but you will just have to be nice if you want to be treated nice..dont think you are the only one living..wake up!

Today, I really needed to talk to someone..so, i chose you but you have given me frustration..its partly my fault too because i didnt tell anyone about how I feel at times when i really needed them to be with me..I know you dont know how miserable I felt today..so, its not your fault..i wont blame you..

I know that you will not be reading this but I hope you will one day..PS: i know you have not been following my blog..hahaha..I even know that you have deleted yourself as my follower..i am sad when i first knew it but then again i did what i always do..act blur and move on..typical me huh?

I know i have dissapointed you but you have dissapointed me too..I know I have left you and you know what, I feel sorry for you..i think that is the reason why I have been listening to you and letting you to decide..If you think that I have not been thinking about you, you are wrong..I did think of you..I did think for you..but I guess that is just not enough..

What ever is it..I know if you have seen this post of mine, you will know who i am talking about..yeah, its about you and i want you to know it without hurting you directly like how you hit me in the face..you may not like it but this is me..i want to be me.. i am normal and i have my EMO season..

What ever happens, I want you to know that i am your friend and that I never regret being your friend and I hope you wont too..cheers!

With lots of love,
little girl with big dreams...