Birthdays?

Throughout my life, I have not been able to celebrate my birthday with me having to cut the cake alone, blow the candles alone, and make a wish alone. This is because I will always have my twin sis with me doing all those routines. Before we went separate ways, I must admit that I have sometimes secretly hope that I could have my own birthday cake without sharing it with anyone else.

When I got to know that I could not spend this special day with my sis next year, I find it hard to believe..I cannot imagine this special day being spent without her by my side..she has somehow became a part of me all these years.

I was actually sad to think that she might not spend this special day of ours with me anymore in the future and perhaps, our birthday next year marks the beginning of our separation. When I told my friends about this, they were surprised and later, they were not interested in knowing it..I know that it might be annoying to reiterate the fact..

I soon got to know that one of my friends, A would not be able to go back to his hometown to celebrate his girlfriend's bday too..he was devastated as well..I remembered that I told them again that I will not celebrate with my sis again..another friend of mine ,B was like, 'Celebrate with her earlier la.' I wanted to tell her that my sis would not be back too soon and that by the time she comes back, I will be gone..but then, I kept my mouth shut knowing that she was irritated by it already. A told her back by saying 'There is a reason for that day to be called a birthday.'

His words really had an impact on me. I realized that birthdays are meant to be spent with our loved ones. A understands my situation as he knows how it feels like not spending this day with someone whom he really cares about.

I, however, must accept that this day will soon come. It just that time will tell when it comes. When this time comes, I should be ready to let go and move on with my life as an individual and not as a pair any longer.

Crappy?

I don't know why I am feeling a little down and moody..Seriously, I want to know the reason for being so myself..I know its funny and weird and perhaps, one day, I will be reading this and laugh realizing how stupid am I to write this post..Whatever reason it may be, even if I know the reason but dare not say it..I just feel like writing a post today..

I am been having mixed feelings about everything..I do not dare to hope for something too much and trust those around me too much..I feel like I was not part of it at times and that I could not change the situation because I know I am not the influential or the dominant one..I thought that I was good but then again, I realized I am not..Just as others who are self-minded, so too am I..but then again, I just can't help it because at times, I felt like I was being played or used instead..I guess I think for others to much- that is what my parents said..Do I think about others too much? I don't know..at times, I guess..

Avoiding the truth is what I always opt for..especially the truth about my feelings and thoughts..I will never admit or do anything that I think that I am supposed to be the one waiting and not the one taking the action..even if this will last forever..I don't care eventhough I really want it and need it..I am not going to change my stand..

Whatever happens now and then, I will be strong! I won't give up! I will try my best!