Indirectly giving it

Do u have any idea?
I mean about what is going on
Maybe I think too much
Maybe I misunderstood
Maybe I was the one over-reacted
I don't know
Its just that my intuition tells me otherwise
It tells me that I have went to the wrong direction
It tells me that history is gonna repeat very soon
I want it to be normal
I want to, really
but I don't want you to fall for it
because I didn't put that trap
It was all because of me
being so selfish
wanted a companion
Now, that my senses are starting to get back together
I felt that it was unfair for you
I realized that maybe its better to be neutral
to avoid you from falling into my so called trap
in which I never intend to set up at all
All I can say is that you will always be my friend.
=)

First thing in the morning..

Shit! When I woke up, I could feel a sharp pain in my throat..oh no! I am having sore throat..I started sneezing too..haih..I think it might be my 'sick' season..I really don't wana get sick..of all things that could happen to me during my semester break, sick? It is still paining now..oh god..please stop..Then, I had breakfast with my mum and her friends..seriously, they can chat non-stop for one whole day..but I enjoyed listening to them though..I didn't know there were so much happening around the neighbourhood..they have certainly enlightened me about so many things that have seemed to be oblivious to me..yea, they were gossiping like how normal girls would do..the difference was that they were much older..that's all..hehe..They even knew about the other people's family matters and also the latest issue going around. There had been a fire in the temple nearby my house..I didn't even know it until they talked about it. So, a few of my mum's friends, my mum and not forgetting myself went to have a look at the temple's condition..it was bad..everything from the altars, to the statues of god, decorative items, joy sticks, to the ceilings were all damaged..all that we could see were ashes and black marks that were caused by the fire.. To be honest, I have wondered if there would be a fire in the temple since there were a lot of burning and activities going on..and now, it really happened..sometimes, I wished that I didn't even have a thought of it when things really took place after you thought of its possibility of taking place..This was how my day started for today.

Hope

He started it
We all knew it
He had left an indelible mark and that we can't deny
She, however, can't forgive him for what he had done
She had tried to forgive him but she just couldn't
He had somehow failed to prove to her that he still cares
Sometimes even I think that he can't change anymore
He had time to change but he didn't even make full use of it
He could only gave her failures and devastations
As time passes,
She had given up hope that he will ever change
He too was least bothered about him changing
He did try to contribute
But it somehow seemed too small for her
She wanted more from him
She expected more of him
She demanded for more
This was because she knew that deep down within him there was still hope
He, however, felt that she was being pushy
He didn't like the fact that she brought up the past
She knew that he didn't like it
But anger had controlled her
Frustrations had delved deep within her soul
She wanted him to change
That was all she wanted
He knew it but he just couldn't face it
He couldn't admit it
I knew that he was sorry
But he just couldn't and I have no idea why
All I ever hope was that both of them to know that the past is past
Nothing can ever change it
Look at the future
There are lots more to be worried about
to care about
to think about
to work out at least
Nothing is ever to late for a change
All I want is to be happy and peaceful
Nothing else
Please understand what I have meant
If you do, I thank you!

CNY 2010

Eve of CNY
It was a hot day! So, my family wanted to have something cold to chill ourselves out with some snow flakes..haha..since the nearest outlet is in Pavillion, we have decided to go there and maybe do some shopping...we took our bro's car instead of my mum's car..we regretted the decision for taking his as the car kept breaking down along the journey..hahaha..we decided that it would be best to go home and go shopping later..after droppping off my bro's car at home, we jumped into my mum's car and drove to Pavillion again! We looked so desperate at that moment..lol..we indulged ourselevs with the sweet delicious snow flakes..seriously, it was worth! Then, we went shopping..all of us managed to get some things for ourselves..XD

1st Day
I woke up about 7.30am..maybe a little later..I did not get dressed but went to my grandpa's place to have breakfast..we had noodles..haha..it was delicious as expected from how it looked..then, my parents went to the temple and amazingly, my parents allowed the three of us(my bro, my sis and I) to be at home while they went to the temple..hahaha..then, we had lunch in my grandpa's place as well..after that, we dressed oursleves up for the usual visiting that we always had..collected lots of angpows..it was a rather hot day..i sweated like hell although I was wearing a red spaghetti top..I like my outfit..i match the top with a nice pair of grey jeans and a chocolate greyish handbag which added the elengance in me..in short, I like the way I looked! As always, the adults will gamble and the younger kids will hang out in the playground..The older kids went to join the adults..and left my sister and I in the hall watching the TV..There was this small little girl..she was cute and my sis and I ended up playing with her..I could hardly reply her in mandarin and realized how bad my mandarin was..XD..it was fun to make her smile, laugh and roll on the floor..hahaha..then, we went back and had dinner in my grandpa's place..there goes my first day of chinese new year..



2nd Day
Started off with breakfast in my grandpa's place..went back home..visited my mum's relatives..went shopping again! hahaha...spent time with my mum and sis in Pavillion..we talked about random stuffs..i had a nice mocha and a strawberry waffle! Delicious! We took some pics together..went back to have dinner in my grandpa's place..then, my sis and I ended up watching a movie-dragon ball...haha

3rd Day
The 3rd day started off with a nice dim sum in Concorde Hotel...had the porridge, 'siew mai', egg tart, 'kuai ling kou', etc..then, we headed to my mum's relative's place..drove all the way from Sentul to Cheras to visit my aunt..after that, we went to my father's friend's place to have our lunch..later in the evening, we would be going to my uncle's place..before that, I have to take my bath first..so, tata! =D

~When everything seems impossible~

When everything seems impossible, I really feel like giving up. I even felt like leaving everything that I have now and just run away. If I have wings, I shall fly as far as I can. If I have a car, I shall drive to a place where I do not need to worry about all that I have now. If I could just turn back time and correct all my wrong doings and not waste time on pathetic things. If I could only realized earlier that I can do more and achieve more when I was younger. Sometimes, I even wished that I could just sleep forever and never wake up. If the rain will help me to wash away all my worries and frustrations and give me the rainbow. Despite all these, there is one thing that is holding me back from doing this. And that is my parents’ hope, my dreams and more importantly, my future! There is still a glimpse of hope within myself that tells me that I can go through this. I hope I can! I believe I can! I will get what I have always wanted!

During my years in secondary, I have a perception that SPM is the MOST important exam in my life. All I had in mind was, getting straight As in SPM will ensure me a scholarship to continue my tertiary education. I thought that I would settle my education locally. When I first got the Yayasan Sime Darby’s scholarship, I did not know anything about the procedures or preparations needed to study aboard. I have never heard of MIT, Cornell, Carnegie Mellon and of course, Universiti Tenaga Nasional(UNITEN) as well. NEVER!

During the first three months of arduous studying for TOEFL, SAT and AP, I broke down many times. Unable to cope up with the work load and pressure, my relatives started to doubt my capabilities. It was a tough time for me. I cannot complain to my parents because they would blurt it out to my relatives. At the same time, I can no longer rely on my twin sister who I have always depended on when I faced any difficulties as she is busy with school and we do not get to see one another that often anymore. My uncle who is my guarantor was questioning on the scholarship’s agreement. I know that he is afraid of the risk that he had to take. I cannot blame him for feeling so. After all, he and my relatives have done a lot to help my family. I know that I cannot demand for anything more and that I should be happy and satisfy for what I have now. I could only wish that they would understand my situation.

As expected, I did not achieve good results for all my examinations-AP, TOEFL and SAT. Although I did not fail the exams, my scores were not good enough for the scholarship’s requirement and the universities’ requirements. I have tried my best, I must say but things just don’t go the way I wanted them to be. I was lucky that I was not questioned by my relatives. I really did not want to disappoint anyone. Be it my parents, relatives, sponsor and myself. To compensate for my failures, I intend to work harder for my second semester.

During this semester, many other scholars from JPA and Bank Negara came as well. We have to join classes with them for foundation studies. The Sime Darbians have fewer classes than the JPA and Bank Negara scholars’ but not for me. I had to join the JPA’s TOEFL classes as I did not manage to obtain high scores. I had to focus on so many subjects. At this point, I felt life is unfair. I have too much to do in very little time. When everyone around was preparing for SATs, I was preparing for TOEFL. When everyone was preparing for Foundation exams, I was concentrating on my SAT and TOEFL. Breaking down seems to be a norm. It is good as I can just let it out and not keep it within myself. Life is surely hectic.

I did not too bad for my second semester in UNITEN. Although not all things went according to what I had hoped, I think I had improved. My SATs scores have showed increments and I was proud of myself for the first time in that year. However, I did not manage to nail TOEFL. I was rather devastated though. I thought that I would have nailed it but I guess I am wrong. During the month of November and December, most of us were busy with universities’ applications. They were arduous and tedious. In fact, I hated them. Plus, I had to retake my TOEFL. I went to Penang to retake the exam. When I was on my way to take my TOEFL exam in Penang, a friend of mine sent me a message stating that she got a place a Cornell! I was happy for her but not for myself. I wished that I was her at that point of time. As time passes, two other friends of mine have also secured places in Carnegie Mellon. Ouch! I felt like I was stabbed. Why can’t I just be like them? I am not too bad, am I? I started to question my own abilities. These moments made me felt like an idiot because everyone was able to ace in a go unlike me who needed to ace in a few trials. There were even times where I wished that I could be in their shoes. I felt like I have the least time among everyone. Everything seems to be going in a pretty fast pace for me. The exams are never ending-one exam after the other. Life is just hectic for me. I wished that I could just stop time and do whatever I want! When things weren’t going the way that I hope they would, I question myself again and again. I believe that I too am no different from them. If they could do it, so can I!

Although I know that my English may not be the best, I have always thought that my English Language was good and not too bad. After taking the TOEFL exam for four times, I guess I am not ‘good’ as I thought I was. My English is not on par with the other applicants. Plus, I am a banana. I speak English ever since I was at a very young age. English was the second language that I have learnt after Hokkien. Until now, I would still prefer to converse in English than any other language that I know. Thinking of it makes me feel more ashamed of myself. How can I not score 100 and above just like what others have done in their first attempt? What do they have that I don’t possess? Or is it that I am the only stupid one? I don’t know and I hope I am not.

One lazy morning, I log in my facebook and saw my friends’ name listed in an article stating that they got into their respective universities. I wished my name was there too. So, I thought of trying my luck and check my application status for University of Michigan. Honestly, I was frustrated with it because I faced some problems in my application. But I thought, “Why not just take a look at it? No harm, what..” Amazingly, I got accepted as a student! My life seems to get better now..and I hope it will turn out even better!
=D

When studying turned out to be chatting..

A day before our final paper(computing skills) for semester 2, the weather was hot and it was seriously unbearable. An ice-cream or something cold would really make us feel a whole lot better! So, Iswari and I went to upten with a plan to study while eating ice-creams..haha.

We ended up chatting instead of studying..haha..We chatted about lots of stuffs..from when we met to where we are now. We started off with universities in US, faceboook, friends, and all the things that we have gone through in UNITEN..We even confessed about certain things with one another..haha..we learnt more about one another's thoughts and experiences in life..I have noticed that we really had gone through a lot of different exposures. What I have gone through were very different from what she had gone through..I mean VERY DIFFERENT. I think it might be the reason why we do things differently.

That chat was a good..I must admit for real.