My bad?

I felt like I was creating enemies for the second time and it wasn't very long ago. The first time was in high school and it was due to a childish act of mine and it ended up in a teary situation. Girls, gossips, backstabbers, friendships and heartaches..It was sort of a drama. I was the cause, of course. Until now, my relationship with this particular friend is just in the 'ok' terms. We don't have much things to say to one another after that incident but she was close to my sister at least. My sister was on her side in that incident. One thing that my sister said that had stuck on my head ever since was "I rather be the one who was used by others than being the one who was guilty for hurting others." I did not agree with her immediately but every time when I did face these kind of circumstances, I would consider this piece of advice. Influential huh? I have to admit that she was.

Not that I completely agree with her but as time passed, I did feel a whole better when I have followed it. There wasn't much of a grudge held and as much as I might feel like I was being used at times, I have to agree that not all things can be counted in life. Well, I might have been maybe a little too cautious when I felt like I am nearing the limitation point. When I have reached my breaking point, I would end up being the one without sense and that being said, I would be the irrational, emotional, stubborn and worst of all, the idiotic one. A lot of people who are close to me might have noticed this part of me and most of them who have not would be kind of surprise to see it. I know that this part of me is the part where no one likes to see but it only occurs when I get really frustrated..when I have gained my conscious, then I would judge myself for what has happened and if I did anything offensive or stupid. Most of the time, I blame myself for it because I have lost control in myself.

The second time was like a month or two ago. The second time was a real hit to my face because it was like "two in one" for me. "Two in one" meaning that two friends at the same time. I did felt like I am creating enemies for the second time and it was as guilty as the one that I had for the very first time. I don't want to blame it on anyone but I guess they just happened to occur due to the wrong timing. One after another is just enough to make me feel so bad. Clearing things up might be a solution, for me at least but I guess it's not the only way to do it and maybe it only works for me. :(

Anyhow, I am moving on and going on with the flow. No reason to think of it and destroy myself with being pessimistic. I am holding no grudge here, just to be sure. haha! I am thinking ahead now and not going to dwell in the past. ;)

Random thought : The picture above reminded me of this peribahasa, "Hilang kabus, teduh hujan" which means "Telah mendapat kesenangan sesudah menderita kesusahan."

Not so little anymore

While I was enjoying my break from studies, my sister is busy studying and preparing for her debate competition. I did not have a lot of opportunity to see her. All I could do at home to help her were helping her to wrap her books and just tolerate with her when she gets frustrated. I get that she is busy, REALLY BUSY to the point where she skipped her meals in between. So, I have decided to watch her(although I do not want to disturb her and make her feel awkward with my presence, I think I did). Ching, I am so sorry but I really wanted to see how far have you improved..Not that I am judging you..It's just that I have not really seen the "debate-side" of you ever since you have told me so many stories about it when you have first debated. Thanks to friend who have accompanied me there, I got to where I was supposed to be without feeling lonely there. YES, I saw my little sister debating..:P

The debate style was BP(British Parliamentary which has 4 teams consisting of two teams in the government and two teams in the opposition which have one opening and closing team respectively) and the motion was "The first world country's affirmative actions have brought injustice to women." The title might be not be worded as it was exactly but this is close enough to it. My sister's team was the closing for the opposition. For me, it has started off with a bad start from the government team but it got cleared up when the opposition started to pointed it out. In the end, it was a worth to watch match because the closing for the both teams were pretty much even. As expected, the oppositions won and my sister's team was second after the opening team for the opposition.

As I have expected, she did impressed me. With the information that she has presented, I was like "Wow, you know a lot!". She was shaky in the beginning but she went on well with justifying her points on her stand. She was not as loud as I have used to be because I am pretty sure that my voice is far louder in high school. She was almost at her loudest, I think. I know that my sister would freaked out if I have started taking pictures and hence, I did not take any pictures but I did recorded her speech.

I wished that she could go to the finals. Good Luck! :)

Eventually, it goes down to one thing.

I have not intended to write anything to harm or discriminate anyone. This topic might be sensitive to many. Generally, it is a topic that most of us have avoided to discuss openly about and a lot of people have chose to be quiet or be ignorant about it. For some people, it might not be an issue at all. For others, it has been an accepted fact. Well, there are some who are fighting to make a difference and a better future. Ok, I am not talking about BERSIH, our government or anything to do with the leaders of our country. I think as you kept on reading, you might know what I am talking about.

Since my schooling years in a public school, I have been to where most students are of a different race from mine. Most of the students and the teachers as well would mingling with those of their own color. Well, it does include me in a way as I chose to mixed with those who can converse in English better. So, most of my friends are either Chinese or Indians as most of the Malays in my school converse in Malay. I know I might be a little bias as I am talking from only my perspective but at the same time, I do wonder..how come my close friends are mostly of my own race and those who can converse better in English? Why can't I mingling with those who converse in Malay? Is it because of my preference to speak in English? Or is it because that I do not have much things in common with them?

And you know, surprisingly, this situation does not only occur in my school but also, after my schooling years in high school. I do not blame anyone for this to occur but it does affect me to a certain extent even if I choose to be oblivious towards it. One of my friend said that it was because of the circumstances such as the language, food and way of living. I do get it as it is much easier to live with those who have more common issues to talk about and most importantly, to do things without having to explain it again and again. There is a mutual understanding, if you get what I mean.

It is not like I have more friends of the same color as my own and that I do not try to mix around with those of a different color but I think I choose to talk to those who prefer to speak in a language that I am comfortable with. It is not Mandarin, Cantonese or Hokkien but it is English (the language that I would prefer to speak, write and listen to). It is not that I do not like Chinese language but it is more conventional for me to speak in English. And it is not because that I am good in it. Honestly, my English standards are only in the satisfactory level. Well, language has certainly been a factor to me in making friends and thus, I have assumed that language plays a role in determining who we choose to be close with. Probably, it only affects to a certain degree..To be completely honest, I have seen that eventually, people tend to mix with their own kind and I don't exclude myself as well. Another thing that upsets me is that people tend to speak in their own native languages when they are with the other races who do not understand them..not that I disagree with them speaking it but the worst is when they do not care to explain when it happens.

I have taken a writing class for the winter semester. Surprisingly, most of the essay topics that were given to me can be related to racial differences. I did try to think of other topics to write on but only this topic was all that I could talk most about and yes, I have eventually wrote about it. I know its a good opportunity to write freely but as much as I want to..I can't bring myself to do it. I find it unfair as it is only coming from me. Thus, I have ended up writing about it in general terms. There are still so many questions that I have in mind about this issue itself. Is it because of me who is still naive and still wants to be unhappy about it or is it that everyone has understood it silently and not want to create any intense situation out of it?

I do want to believe that some of us can bring a difference, however, a part of me was telling me that it is not going to be easy. I know I might not be the best person to talk about this issue since I do not know what others might think of it and this post is just solely based on my own opinion and experience. Still, I think the truth is we all know that this is happening..perhaps some of you might have faced it much more frequent than I do.

Psychologically, people in general will feel more comfortable with people of the same race and background. In Malaysia, the Chinese people whom I know of have their own perspectives about the other races and I can pretty much assume that not only the Chinese have these stereotype mentalities and racial jokes but the other races have them as well, be it Malay, Indian or many others.

As much as I hope or wish that race to be not even considered as a factor in anything and in anywhere at all, I know I am just relying on the hopes that it might be true one day. It is hard to explain to the older generations, people around me and even some of my friends. I don't expect them to understand that I am frustrated about it. I chose to be quiet because I know it is sensitive. Not that I have nothing to say but it takes everyone to get it to make it happen.

I am not all that perfect myself to even talk about this issue but I want to remind myself at least, in my own blog that "You know..you have mentioned about this before." I don't want to regret in the later part of my life that I have not even raised an opinion about it. I am writing this because I am a Malaysian and I still care about my country.

I found it!

Ever since I came back home, I felt like everything and everyone else is smaller. Not only my dad was thinner but so is my sis and mum as well. I feel like the fat one at home. Thanks to the winter in Michigan and of course, due to my own laziness, I am officially the "fat-one"! I am going back to my original weight and lose that 5 kgs away! I have found one method of doing it and its hula-hooping! The video below is my inspiration and motivation! fyi, I do have some basics in hula-hooping..:P

Worth it!

If you still think that our country is worth to be treasured and to be loved,
If you still want to be a part of this unique country,
If you want to fight for the betterment of our country,
If you are a Malaysian, please look at this and contribute! :D


http://watufighting4lah.tumblr.com/

Back for the summer

Yes, I am back now. :)

After the long hours of flight and stops, I am back in KL! My parents were there waiting and waving at me. I was so glad to see them and I have noticed that they are smaller( I think its because that I am bigger in size)..:(

During my journey, I have met a Malaysian who has the exact same flight as mine. And yes, I mean all the way from Michigan to Washington to Doha and finally, to Malaysia. I felt a bit better knowing that someone would be with me all the way back home.

I was lucky enough to be in the business class flight. Thank you, Qatar! :P
It was so comfy and nice. At least, I don't have to squeeze myself and I was able to stretch all time.

Again..I don't really like to have too much time for myself..the time for me to think about just anything. Sounds a bit idiotic, I know..but I can't help to think about the actions that I have regretted for, the stupid decisions that I have made and the moments where I have not been the rational me because I chose to be the emotional me. As much as I want to put the blame on my girl issue or on any other reasons at all, I felt like I was the one at fault in the end.

There are just so many things can be done in just a few months. Bad or good..anything at all. However, I can only think of those that I dislike and hated. I know I should be grateful and think of the happy and joyful moments in life. Guess I had my self reflective time?

I know that I am not all that right in all matters. I don't even think that there is one right way in everything at all. There are only different ways and different opinions. I am not being specific about a certain issue..I like my posts to be as general as possible. I am just frustrated that I am not able to think rationally and be emotionally stable when I was placed in an awkward position or in a situation where I have to make the decision.

I can't see any changes in me. I know some people were thinking that I might be more "westernized" and all but..there are things that I don't want to change still. I am not any better than anyone else. I am still regular and of course, a little bigger in size but I am still the same person. Nothing much had changed. Being abroad for just a few months did not make me at advantage or at a better position than someone who did not leave the country.

Eventually, it's all about us being able to shape ourselves to improve for the better. For me, life is not about being better than someone else. After all, what is it that we are living for? Ourselves right?