All about the journey

Before I leave for the US, my family, convent girlfriends, and uniten friends were there with me for the last minutes of my time in Malaysia. Everything seemed ok until my convent friends and my sis showed up and gave me something so memorable to me. It was some sort like the diary of my life, all in one - pictures from those primary school moments, secondary school moments, school trips, messages from them to those moments I had in Uniten. When I flipped a few of the cards, my tears started to drip..I was speechless but in the same time, I was so grateful that I actually had this 'diary'. Although I might cry when I look at it in the future, I am sure that those memories were not just memories but they were parts of me once and thanks to all of you, they will be remembered forever. Then after a while, my friends from Uniten came. They gave orange black chocolate to zera and me. My family members were crying and all I want is to leave happily but I guess emotions took over eventually. I did cried after seeing my mum and my sis cried.







Going some where so far away is hard, believe me. Sitting in the aeroplane thinking that anything could happen in between the journey and years. I hated travelling with the aeroplanes, it was never my favorite choice of transportation but I have to go through it and I don't think zera liked it too. After the long journey to our transit in London, all we want was to contact our loved ones. Unfortunately, the phones could not be used to call or send messages. We both thought that the London Heathrow Airport should have wifi, thinking that it might be an option for us to contact with our friends and family but we could not get any internet connection. Then, we saw the machine that provides internet services as long as we pay for it. Since we were desperate, we went for it and got ourselves in facebook for updating our situation. Facebook is not all that bad. It really does connect people and somehow, I was glad to have an account.

When we got our boarding passes in London, we have realized that we had to sit quite far away from one another but lucky us, the guy that was supposed to sit next to me agreed to trade his seat for zera's seat. Thanks, sir! After such long hours of sitting, we have reached Detroit but we got separated during the custom checking part. Lucky, we found each other outside in the arrival waiting seats.

We were greeted with a senior of ours and she drove us to the place where we are going to stay. We got ourselves the apartment but we wanted to get our bank accounts and UMich's ID. So, two seniors accompanied us and one of them guided us to the shopping mall to get our necessities. Thanks a lot! :)
We were really sleepy but I was glad that we have finally reached the apartment safely. After cleaning and unpacking all of my things, I have managed to finish this post. :)

Some pictures of my apartment:

Leaving soon.

Less than a week..5 days in precise..it is really happening. I don't know what to say. I am not filled with excitement yet. Getting ready to go is not an easy process. A lot of things got me worried..haha. I don't know what to expect there. Anything can happen in between those years. Some people think that I will go wild when I am there. Some believe that I will still stand by my own principles as long as I am still within the circle of my boundaries. Well, they have the right to say this and that but I know what I will do and not do when I am there. After all, I am a little conservative when it comes to certain issues. Sometimes I really wonder if they know me well enough to predict my life there. Like I have said, I don't like giving any promises or guarantee because anything can happen in between those years. I am even having thoughts and doubts about what I will be then and how things will be like when I come back. The thing is that I will still have the "old-me" no matter what I have done or experienced. I know that the world is not kind and I don't expect everyone to be super nice to me. I got tonnes of advices from my family members. Thank you all! When I am there, I will learn and that is for sure. All I can say is just have a little faith in me and lets hope that I will make the best out of Michigan and US. I think I have bought all of my things..haha..I hope I didn't miss any. Well, I hope everything goes fine. Wish me all the best! :)

We shall see what happens in these few years to come...I hope that there are some things that will stay the same and some that will change for the better. :)

Dresses For Me?

This picture was taken last year during the Chinese New Year celebration in KMK. Adeline in the white cheongsam and that's me in the red one. Not many people saw us in cheongsams anyway because we only got to change like kinda at the ending part of the event.

We actually took quite some effort to just go look for these cheongsams but, we finally got it anyway at the same shop. Lol. It's like one of the moments where I really got to dress up nicely which I hardly do. :P

Being a not-so-girly girl, i rarely wear skirts. I think I look better in jeans so yea, never really gotten myself any skirts and what more can I say about dresses?! It's not like I totally don't have any. It's just that I have limited choices only compared to other girls.

I would probably try checking Pauline's wardrobe because I need a dress ASAP. Yikes!

I've always wanted to get a nice dress anyway so maybe it's time for me to get it. Every girl wants to look pretty in special occasions and that includes me too. It's kinda stressful because people tend critic if you look bad. :(

Maybe I should turn to my Mum for advices too. I believe that she knows what looks good on me. Hopefully, everthing will turn out fine. :)

I wonder..

Well, I am not gonna post about an anime series but it kinda relates to it. I've been thinking a lot. Sometimes things just don't go the way you want it to be. Your actions and words may hurt other people. It hurts you even more if the person whom you hurt is someone important to you.

My-Hime is one of the anime series that I really like. Probably because it has the greatest effect on me. It made me wonder how much one would do just to save their loved ones. It involves sacrifices. Ever wonder whether the sacrifices made are worth it? But shouldn't you like not care of the worthiness of it if you really care for that person? If you think that it is not worth it, does that mean that you're being selfish?

Lol. Personally, I don't think there's an answer for those questions because different people react differently. In this kinda situation, there's no right or wrong. People make choices, not mistakes.

For me, it really depends how much I really treasure the particular person. Don't blame yourself if there's any problems. Anyone could have came across something like that. Sometimes, giving in and being honest are the best solutions! ;)

No more black

Yesterday, I soaked my black shorts and when it was dry, it wasn't like it was before..it had turned green..Bye bye, black shorts. I really like that shorts but now, I guess I will just have to deal with its new look or just leave it in my wardrobe..haha. The change of color in my shorts kinda reminded me that things changes and not everything will stay the same forever. Although I am regretting for soaking it and missing it now, I will soon forget that once it was my favourite shorts. I only got to it like a year back. So, maybe its time to say goodbye. Your time has come..:(

What would happen if...

I always have this thought in my mind "What would happen if...". I wondered how things would be like if I have acted differently. They might have been better or worse but I won't know because I have done it and nothing could change that. I thought it was the best choice of all of my possible actions but I was wrong. It was not the best solution at all. None of us were not satisfied or happy. It ended up with anger and frustration. I don't know what to say or do anymore. My eyes were teary red but even that couldn't help me in anyway besides letting off my emotions and feelings. I was all alone knowing that I couldn't possibly reach for any immediate help because it would only made it worse. I would feel even more terrible and not even enjoying the time that I have left here. If this is a math problem, I will solve it logically but too bad for me, its not. I don't know what could have possibly been the right move at all. I am really out of mind and words..I want things to go smoothly. Maybe we should stop tolerating and just say what we want. It makes things much easier. Although we may sound stubborn or selfish, maybe that is the solution. Both sides were trying to think the best for one another but this has only brought heartache. So, what is the point of trying to tolerate at all? It has never make sense to me but all these while, I have finally knew that I have chose the wrong action. Everything is just so messed up. I really want it to be fixed but I just don't know how.

Debating?

During my schooling years, I was never looked up as a very confident person. I was more of a girl who likes to keep her opinions to herself and afraid to voice it out. I guessed the turning point of this passive behaviour was when I decided to try out to be a prefect in secondary school. My sister and I didn't want to be prefects initially but after thinking.. we somehow agreed on this decision. As for me, the main reason for this was to seek for a change since I've never been a prefect in primary school.

Being a prefect didn't change me instantly though. I gotta admit that I wasn't the ideal prefect for a few reasons. Personally, I felt that it was because I wasn't strict and even if I tried to be, people laughed at me. My problem of not being able to project a loud voice adds on to the list. Plus, I have difficulties in pronouncing some words as well. :(

I tried improving myself then. I felt that I didn't really accomplished my goals in my secondary school as I still doubted myself in almost everything I did. But, it was then I was aware that I will have to make a difference. I have always wanted to do something great in life even until today. XD

In matriculation, it was kinda like a chance for me to develop myself to be brave. I had to be strong anyway because I was no more staying with my parents. Then I realized that I had a little 'Pauline' in me. Lol. After all, we are twins! She is like one the persons with the strongest personalities I've seen.

Lately, I have participated in a debate competition. Yea, you read it right. A debate competition in UKM. People who have known me long enough would have been in a shock knowing this especially my highschool friends. This was my first time trying debating. I took this as an opportunity to see how much I've improved.

I think I did a fairly "okay-okay" job. My team lost for the first two rounds but we managed to win at least once. My teammates were good in their own ways. I was proud that I finally got the nerve to speak up. Hehe.

I felt that what I'm today is a far cry from what I was in school. Would I even dare to take part in a debate competition in school then? I doubt it.

As long as we wanna improve ourselves, we will soon see the improvement in ourselves. The picture above shows some of the debators from my college.

My colors!

When I was 5 years old, I used to like yellow! That's why I liked to draw the sun and I loved the yellow power ranger..haha. I don't know the exact reason for it but maybe the reason behind it was that yellow is a bright color.

When I was about 7 years old after my elementary years, I don't really like bright colors anymore. I liked blue instead. One reason was that it was safe and it was considered as a 'cool' color for me..hahaha..maybe some influence from my bro too..XD

When I was in my pre-teenage years, I still stick to the color, blue but the darker type of blue..navy blue. I didn't like to have bright colors at that point of time because it gets dirty easily compared to dark colors like blue. I was not the girly-type of girl but the more rough-type of girl. I didn't like to wear dresses or skirts. Everything I had was pants and normal tee. It is also pretty obvious that I have created my email, "blue7lime@....com" during those years of my life..hahaha.

When I hit the age of 15, my liking for blue color started to decrease. I have undergone some changes in my thoughts and likings and thus, I opened myself to more colors in life. I realized that I did not like the safe dark color that much because most of the pretty nice looking things were in white. From then onwards, I like white! I am glad that I didn't want to be so boy-ish after all..hahaha.

When I am about 17 years of age, I still like white but I started to like pink as well..not the striking pink but the baby pink..hahaha. I have a lot of things in pink. For example, my clothes, bag, socks, etc..except for my hideous blue watch that I have when I was 13..Oh ya, that blue watch had finally took its last breath when I was in Uniten. Now, I had a better looking one..the silver metallic type in which I have always wanted when I started liking white..hahaha.

For now, I like red but I still go for other colors as long as I look nice in it. By the way, I might start liking the color, gold as well especially for accessories..hahaha..XD
I think as my colors have changed, I have changed myself too. Maybe it is one of the signs of growing up for me. I am yet to know what colors I will like in a time still to come. :)

Thinking ahead

No matter how much I don't like changes, they will have to happen somehow. I know its going to be the time when it comes. Changing is good or bad? It really depends on us, eventually. I like to think of it as a good thing but I just don't feel right. I hate transitions in which I have to go through for now and I am not sure if it is because that I am emotionally disturbed for these few days or what but I just don't feel right. Nothing seems to be a good thing. I want to be optimistic to myself but I just couldn't because I know how I feel. Everything seems so wrong for me even little things that do not need much attention or consideration. Maybe I am still in the mood swing season..haih. All of my 'haha's don't seem so genuine and I can't help it but typing it because it's already in me. My fingers will just go to the letter 'H' and 'A' repeatedly even when I am not laughing. I hope its the mood swing. I really hope so. It better be..I want to wake up feeling like life is something and not nothing..
Now, I will not think so much about what I will be leaving behind. No more sad moments. No more being depress for something that I know that it will not happen. No more whining and procrastinating. No more being so irrational. I will have to focus of what I will be facing in a few weeks time or years..haha. All I got to do now is to divert my attention to the more important stuffs for now. So, packing, it is! ;)

It's me

Are you with me? You don't seem like you are. I thought you would but I guess I was wrong. I don't even know what else you are hiding from me. I have the rights to know because it's all about me and not you. It's my thing. You think you can handle it yourself by not telling me?

Please let me grow up. I may act a little unreasonable but do you even know that I only act like that in some situations? Some in which I do not need to hide myself from showing what is really happening in my mind and thoughts..Some in which I can feel free to express and explode..I hate restrictions, really. I am no more what I was before and I am not sure if I am better or worse because I have doubts about myself. My emotions were jumbled together. I must not be emotionally disturbed. You have to let me decide and learn. It's time and there is no more 'next time'.

These few days were filled with heart-breaks, headaches, anger and frustration between us. I don't know how to fix it. So, I am just leaving it and see what happens next. I don't even expect an apology but I want sincerity and care. If you think I am least bothered about it, then you don't even know me well enough. In fact, I don't even think I know the 'real you'.

I am tired of this. Let's put this aside and let it rot if it ever will. I hope it does.