Meaningful Christmas

It's Christmas and new year again! And also Dong Zhi or what I like to call the Tong Yuen Festival. This year end is definitely different with Ah Kong/Grandpa leaving us on the 22nd after a heart attack in the middle of the night. He had been in and out of the hospital for many times recently and I guess we all sort of knew but we didn't think that it was gonna be on that day. Life's like this. And we gotta move on with it so, enough about the sad news.

Even though Christmas this year is a sad one for my family, I wish to remind myself about the good things that happen. A handmade snow globe by one of close friends or "heng dai"-s in UKM, Tan Yuet Yang. This crazy fella made 20 of these for his friends but it did made everyone's day at least. If you ever read this blog, thank you again! :)

The above picture of a scenery is from my sister who wanted to show me snow from her place. I am guessing it's the view outside her window.:P  And another gift from my close friend, Cassy but I didn't manage to take a picture of the gingerbread she made because I ate it already. Hehe.

This is also a season for all us to remember the importance of family and friends although, I am quite lousy when it comes to people. Catching up with family and friends or trying to create conversation with a long-time-no-see person is really difficult. I guess I am a really socially awkward person. :/

Nevertheless, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Maybe it's Ah Kong way of reminding us about Dong Zhi Festival and Christmas. May you rest in peace. :)

My bad?

I felt like I was creating enemies for the second time and it wasn't very long ago. The first time was in high school and it was due to a childish act of mine and it ended up in a teary situation. Girls, gossips, backstabbers, friendships and heartaches..It was sort of a drama. I was the cause, of course. Until now, my relationship with this particular friend is just in the 'ok' terms. We don't have much things to say to one another after that incident but she was close to my sister at least. My sister was on her side in that incident. One thing that my sister said that had stuck on my head ever since was "I rather be the one who was used by others than being the one who was guilty for hurting others." I did not agree with her immediately but every time when I did face these kind of circumstances, I would consider this piece of advice. Influential huh? I have to admit that she was.

Not that I completely agree with her but as time passed, I did feel a whole better when I have followed it. There wasn't much of a grudge held and as much as I might feel like I was being used at times, I have to agree that not all things can be counted in life. Well, I might have been maybe a little too cautious when I felt like I am nearing the limitation point. When I have reached my breaking point, I would end up being the one without sense and that being said, I would be the irrational, emotional, stubborn and worst of all, the idiotic one. A lot of people who are close to me might have noticed this part of me and most of them who have not would be kind of surprise to see it. I know that this part of me is the part where no one likes to see but it only occurs when I get really frustrated..when I have gained my conscious, then I would judge myself for what has happened and if I did anything offensive or stupid. Most of the time, I blame myself for it because I have lost control in myself.

The second time was like a month or two ago. The second time was a real hit to my face because it was like "two in one" for me. "Two in one" meaning that two friends at the same time. I did felt like I am creating enemies for the second time and it was as guilty as the one that I had for the very first time. I don't want to blame it on anyone but I guess they just happened to occur due to the wrong timing. One after another is just enough to make me feel so bad. Clearing things up might be a solution, for me at least but I guess it's not the only way to do it and maybe it only works for me. :(

Anyhow, I am moving on and going on with the flow. No reason to think of it and destroy myself with being pessimistic. I am holding no grudge here, just to be sure. haha! I am thinking ahead now and not going to dwell in the past. ;)

Random thought : The picture above reminded me of this peribahasa, "Hilang kabus, teduh hujan" which means "Telah mendapat kesenangan sesudah menderita kesusahan."

Friday

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Today is Friday! No, it's not about Rebecca Black or the date 13th Friday. Today, I am happy. It feels so nice after telling the truth and expressing my inner self. The fear that I had in me was almost completely gone. Thanks to raisins! :D
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stupid but worth

I am about to do something that is so stupid for something that I think its worth taking the risk. I kept on thinking about it but it's not going to work if I don't take any move. I have to do this..one day..no matter how many critics or comments I might get from people. I don't see the point hiding from something that should be happy for me. I don't get why should I feel so guilty for something that I can't control. I don't see the point of hiding anymore. Hiding keeps me thinking about the consequences. It will kill me if this continues. I am just going to do it and see what happens. Even if the whole world might hate me for it or if some people might get hurt from it, I still think that to know sooner is better than later. I am not going to be afraid to take this stupid wise move of mine. I don't see the point of it anymore, really. I am not wrong..this is just life. It is so dramatic and ironic that this had happened to me. It is a risk that I will take and I hope everything will be fine. I really do. Don't hate me, please..

Whatever happens, happens

I have weird moments where my tears will just flow down my cheeks without any good reason. When my mind just starts to think, it goes so deep and wanders so much that I guess I can't control it. Not all that I think of are good stuffs, there are more bad thoughts that come to my mind. Thinking on whether I have made the right decision in some of the things that I have done, I was just too scared to answer them. I have chose to turn to face fear instead of reality. Facing something that I was thinking of and not something that I am going through, I felt a little dumb. I don't know what else to think of. My mind would just tend to think of the possibilities that I didn't want, the chances of being a failure, and the thoughts that might have changed me for who I am today. I don't know if it's for the better or worse. For now, I will just do what I want and think is not bad for myself. Let whatever that happens, happens even if I was in uncertainty.

Peace of mind

Traveling alone and leaving all by myself for a few days? Nah..I would never do that but I did. Just because my mum had the opportunity to go to the states, Las Vegas, I thought that it would be nice to meet her there. It is not easy to get someone like my mum to get here. I would really want to spend time with her when she gets here. That's all I had in mind - to be with her. I don't plan to go to Vegas if it was not for her. Although I would be alone for a few days, I think I should make it as a once in a life time thing to travel all by myself. Of course, I do hope that I can go with some friends of mine but things don't go as plan or not everything has to go as I want them to be as always. Guess it is time to be independent and have some peace of mind alone? I am not going to say that it's awesome being alone but the satisfaction is truly there. I don't feel pressured. There is no drama going on. I laugh at myself for my own stupidity for getting lost. LOL! So many things came to my mind. I have thought of my life like what has been interesting and what not. The time spent alone was not too bad. I got myself some answers. Answers that I could not get if I didn't have much time for my own mind to wander around. Answers that speak for themselves and that I have to agree even if I don't want to. Not to mention that being a female traveling is not a good or wise choice, I would never agree on anyone of my girl friends to travel alone..That's for sure!

That is all from me in Las Vegas! :)

What is "ideal"?

What would you do when you want things to change just for the better but that you can't even do anything with it? What I had meant has nothing got to do with something that can be change with just actions..They are not ambitions, relationships and academics in which we can change them if we really work for them and try harder.

Everyone has something that is ideal in their minds. For example, a good academic result means getting all A's, a successful career means getting a well paid job, a happy family means spending time with your spouse and children, a leader is someone who knows how to work well with people, a friend is someone who you can always count on when there are ups and downs, an ideal song is a song that is pleasing to the ear and the list goes on...

Like everyone else, I have mine as well for just about everything. I am not going to say that I am not appreciative enough because I really want things for the better. I want to have that "something" I had to be ideal as well. As you can see, I can't even bring myself to say it out. This is because it has not been ideal to me from the start. It can't be easily said or done and there it is, being in its supposed-to-be form..

I don't know but all I can say is that I envy those who have that "something" that they can shout it out loud and not be ashamed about it. I have to admit that yes, I am not happy about it and truthfully, it had bothered my emotions and it has not been aligned with my own principles in life. Not only me though..others as well I bet if they have know it. To explain it is hard. Truthfully, I don't even know where to begin.

I guess that not all of us have the same "ideal" thoughts. Mine are very simple and common because they are about the same as everyone else's. Maybe I am not ready to accept it yet. Hopefully, I will some day before its too late.

My Mum Says So

It is not Mothers' Day or any other special occassions but I just feel like writing this post. It is just because I think that it is important to acknowledge her, my dear Mummy for whatever she has done for me and my siblings, and of course our family. This picture was taken on 15th February 2010 when I was on a break during my matriculation studies, I think. Lol. All I know is that I was KL and I think this was taken in Pavilion. From left, Mum, me and Pauline. People often mistaken the three of us as sisters because my Mum looks kinda young for her age. ;D

As for this picture, it was taken recently when we were gonna send Pauline off to US. The date, 23rd August 2010, and it was on a Monday. I'm pretty sure I got the details right. A sad day indeed for my family, my Mum especially for being so protective over us all the time and now she has to finally let one of her kids go to an unknown place. She would no longer be able to look after Pauline then. I knew she was sad and probably the impact on her was even greater than mine when she watched Pauline leaving. She cried, my Dad too, maybe my brother did and me, oh well, definitely! Btw, in this picture from lleft, my brother, Mum and Pauline.

She is a career woman and I'm proud to say that she is a good-looking mum. I'm slightly taller than her but not slimmer than her though. She is very into her job and I mean it. She told me that she wanted to go all out in her career due to the fact that her age is limiting her to pursue longer. Before that, I never really understood why sometimes she wanted to work on weekends but now, I do.

I can't tell how a mother feels as I'm not one at this moment but I picture it as a very tough job. She is always worried for Pauline like whether she was doing okay in US, worried for my brother like what time he'll be back when he goes out late at night and whether he is safe outside and worried for me like whether I have enough cash to spend. Aww.. and she never realized that her list of tasks to be taken care of will go on and on forever.

She said it was okay for her to pick me every now and then from my college to home and vice versa. The thing is I feel bad when I do it quite often. It would have been easier for my parents if I were to just stay in college. I'm glad that she is not like other mums who would stress up their child for not doing well in exams. Even my Dad doesn't scold me for not performing.

She is also different as she kinda encourage my sis and I to socialize more as we are in this age of life. That's what she would have reasoned out when I asked why. Nevertheless, she wants us to be careful along the way. She just wants to know who our friends are.

I think she did a great job as a mother. She might not be like other housewives but she is a lady whom I salute most. Even though, I don't agree with some of the things she did but I know there's always a good reason behind her actions. Of course, I love her! <3

What would happen if...

I always have this thought in my mind "What would happen if...". I wondered how things would be like if I have acted differently. They might have been better or worse but I won't know because I have done it and nothing could change that. I thought it was the best choice of all of my possible actions but I was wrong. It was not the best solution at all. None of us were not satisfied or happy. It ended up with anger and frustration. I don't know what to say or do anymore. My eyes were teary red but even that couldn't help me in anyway besides letting off my emotions and feelings. I was all alone knowing that I couldn't possibly reach for any immediate help because it would only made it worse. I would feel even more terrible and not even enjoying the time that I have left here. If this is a math problem, I will solve it logically but too bad for me, its not. I don't know what could have possibly been the right move at all. I am really out of mind and words..I want things to go smoothly. Maybe we should stop tolerating and just say what we want. It makes things much easier. Although we may sound stubborn or selfish, maybe that is the solution. Both sides were trying to think the best for one another but this has only brought heartache. So, what is the point of trying to tolerate at all? It has never make sense to me but all these while, I have finally knew that I have chose the wrong action. Everything is just so messed up. I really want it to be fixed but I just don't know how.

When Sharing Means Caring

I kinda realized that I was being very selfish last night and also this morning. XP.. I hate to admit that but I feel really guilty. After thinking about it, I thought it was just a small matter. I made someone unhappy when she was supposed to be like enjoying herself that night.

I didn't mean to be the bad person but I just couldn't help it. Have you ever came across a situation where you had to give up something that means a lot to you temporarily to one of the most important people in your life because they really need it at that point of time? In other words, sacrificing something important for someone important.

The answer is obvious. Of course you would. That was what I did but I was reluctant to actually. Unfortunately, the person who asked me for it was her, the girl at the left side of the picture above. Honestly, I would say yes for her for anything at all and even if I can't, I willl try my best to help her.

The problem arised when I kept complaining about it. Then, she felt guilty and she wasn't all that excited already that night. She even broke into tears after that. I felt so bad. :S

The moral of the story, do not spoil another person's day by being so selfish and, be sincere when you wanna share something with other people. :)

Missing her already

I guess its obvious that I meant my sis..I just sent her off today in UKM for her orientation and seeing her so excited about everything just reminds me that I will be going to my university soon..haha..I should get use to it anyway since I will be leaving Malaysia soon. So, it could be a good start for now. Life is bored when we have nothing to do and I am feeling it right now. I really miss having her around eventough she can be really annoying at times. She can be sweet for a minute and mean in the next..haha.

Honestly, its kinda lonely without her around. Although I can have the room all by myself, not having her to use my things and not put them back in the original place, using her bed to put my stuff, not having her to block my way in the room, I still want her here at home..XD

Yea, its a selfish thought but I have to say that this is just one of my wants and not my needs. I know that it is not easy to let things go easily when you are hooked towards it. I realized that I actually care for her so much that I do not even realize at times. I do not mind doing her a favor when I can tell that she wants something although she did not mention it straight in the face. Mostly, what she wants is what I want. So, yea..I know what she wants..hahaha..telepathy? I don't think so..maybe more like a similarity in terms of thinking..hahaha.

Talking about her preparing for her university, I am not very keen of it. She needs to go for medical check ups and also the part that I did not really like is that she needs to get a specific type of baju kurung..haih..Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against baju kurung. Personally I think that baju kurung is a nice outift and I even had one myself but I just don't get why the university wants her to get a specific type..Ok, maybe for protocol purposes and all but still, I was a little pissed deep inside after going to so SO many shops for so SO many days just to search for this particular type..omg! It has taken the toll out of me. For me, sometimes the dress code can get a little ridiculous..She even said that its ok to just get her one but I know that in her mind, she wanted two at least..haha.

We finally got two baju kurung that met the requirements after all the searching. Unfortunately, one of that baju kurung was torn after the ironing and it happened a day before her orientation..So, she only had one left. That pissed me off even more..It was not even my business but I was angry..can't help it..hahaha..After sending her off for her orientation, my mum, my bro and I went to the shops again to get her another one and being her identical twin, I need to try it out..haih...thank god, we eventually got one! :D

I want her to be around all the time now..I am super bored at home. I don't mind doing all those searching again with my sis if I could..after all, she will always be my little sista! :D


just a picture of us when we were younger..hahaha..identical?

This is My Situation

Am I emo-ing right now? Yea, I am now because I failed to let it go just like that. What does it feel like being in my shoes? I really dunno how to explain it but I think there's only one person who knows how to explain it in a better way. I felt like I have grown up too fast, maybe faster than any other person who is as old as I am. I know too many things when I was young. I know what complicated means in the real world. That's why I have always like things to be simple.

When the one person whom I thought was supposed to be the person holding this burden all a along wasn't doing his job well and the worst part is that he asked another party to do it for him, what the... Hasn't he prepared anything? Maybe he doesn't wanna be apart of all this actually, then why does he wanna tell that it's ok but in the actual fact, it is so not ok. I would prefer not to know this but since I have known this already, why doesn't he just be totally honest with me?

Sometimes I feel like I am depending on others. Honestly, I don't like it but can I choose? No.. When something feels so wrong is right in the other person's eyes, I don't know what to say anymore. I really hate to be stucked in between but I know I have to be involved. It's just because everything that happens now is due to my existence. Nothing feels right at the moment. There is no solution.

So, this is my situation.. What role am I actually playing?? I don't know because I am torn in between. It is like when I thought I have reached the top of the hill, I saw another hill in front of me. And then I realized that in every end is a beginning. But this time, a beginning of a misery.

Love and Miss U, LING!

Yesterday which was June 17 2010, I had fun spending time with my good old friends and also my sis, Pauline.We all met at Berjaya Times Square. After lunch, it was time to karaoke! It was my second time going for karaoke and my very first time with my sis. Lol..


Notice that we look more like twins here?

Julia and Pauline were taking a break after singing out loud.

Debbie and Prithi just wanna look good in front of the camera while Dalvin was so into karaoke that she didn't realized that this picture was taken. Lol..

After singing for quite some time, laughing during karaoke because Pauline sang a little louder than everyone else and confronting the manager of the place for making us pay extra, the main part of the whole gathering finally came. SURPRISE PAULINE! XD

LOVE AND MISS U LING!!! *Pauline aka Ling in our school*

Because Pauline is gonna leave Malaysia for US soon, we all plan to have something special for her. Luckily she didn't find out about it. Phew.. We hope the best for her in times to come. We gathered at Gasoline to have this. We also played a few games using lots of tissues. :P

Then, a group picture of all of us except Dalvin who went back early. Hmmph.. We should have taken it before she left.

Well, that was all we did which was enough to make my sis and I both totally worn out. But, the day wasn't over for me. As soon as I was back home, I knew I got to check my UPU results. Tired but determined, I kept clicking the link. After so many failed attempts, I let Daphenie checked for me as she could get through the website. I was offered to study medicine in UKM. I was relieved that I got my 2nd choice at least.

As for now, I just wanna enjoy my break before going to university. :)

Back to The Middle

This is obviously not any picture which was taken recently. I kinda dug it up from the pictures in facebook. I think I look a little different here but still recognizable. In my previous post, I mentioned that there was too little SMKCS in this blog so here I'm adding another one for SMKCS. This picture was taken on the day when our PMR results were out which was in 2006.

If you've known me long enough, you would have realized that there's something wrong with my hair here. Anyway, I had a center parting back when I was in Form 3 and later changed it to the side, and now back to the middle. Lol..

It was a scary moment waiting for the results to be announced. Some names were called out to the platform. We took some pictures of before and after the results were out. Auntie Ranjit came and blurted out some news about who got good results. Some of us started crying even before the results were out. I felt the intense pressure. I admit that I never like this kinda feeling even during the announcement of the SPM results and also during the time when the PSPM results were out. Gosh.. It can kill people XD

After all the waiting, all we want is to do well. We hope for the best and that's all we want at that very second when we see our results. Some got amazing results and screamed immediately after knowing that their hard work paid off. Some got terrible results and walked to the corner wishing nobody would see their tears. That's reality. Not everyone would be sastified at that point of time.

But still, is that the end of the world? Definitely not! So, don't be upset for too long because there are bigger things in life waiting to be done. :)

Exams were certainly a crucial part in school days. I know I will be facing more exams in the future. Now, I'm just hoping that I'll get what I want. :D

O hark! Now hear our joyful cries of pride in our school..

Time flies so fast. I realised that it has already been 2 years since I have left Convent Sentul. The title of this post is the first line of my school song. A very nice piece indeed and of course memorable as I can still remember how the song is like.

I am starting to miss a lot of things. Since I have only started blogging after I've left this place, there wasn't any post about SMKCS. As you can see, it is actually an old building. Even my aunts had their secondary education here, so can you imagine how old it is? Lol..

I wasn't from any renowned schools. Convent Sentul may sound glamorous but the truth is that this school really needs improvement. I believe that my school will become one of the top schools in the nation. It's just a matter of time. :)

It was where I learned a lot of things and mostly not in the classrooms. Honestly, I think that being a school prefect taught me to be a better individual. I don't how things work in other schools but in SMKCS, being a prefect is kinda challenging. To be elected as a school prefect was a difficult process itself!

It was those days when I felt there was not much stress. Staying back at school for activities was a very common thing in SMKCS. Getting in trouble was also one of the 'activities' in our school. Well, we all learn from mistakes. XD.. I miss my friends, teachers and moments in the school. I have friends that I have known them since the days in primary schools and also friends who were from the same tadika!

Now when I see students in school uniforms, I think about the good old days in my school. I miss being in secondary school so much!!!

Her Story

I thought of utilizing my time wisely during this 'nothing-to-do' period, so I came up with this idea of posting this.

I'm proud of her. She has done a lot to make it this far. I may not fully understand all the times and experiences she had been through but I'm glad to know that whatever she did paid off. Congrats sis!

Being her twin, I have always been by her side until last year when she had to start studying in Uniten. We shared most of our lives together. When we were young, we used to play dolls, , watch tv and lots more. Almost everything we did was done together. Technically, I can say that I have watched her grew in time.

In school, she was someone who gets everything done before the deadline. I see her as a person who has the guts to make her stand and also, someone with very strong determination in achieving success. Sometimes, she happened to be loud and truthful in the wrong situation but I got to admit that I like it. She did the things that I didn't dare to do. It is nice having someone like that around.

As a sister, she is definitely doing her job perfectly. She is caring, loving, protective and everything else that I can use to describe how good she is. We shared our thoughts and views on the things happening in our own lives. We even talked about random stuffs which made us wondered how we managed to talk until that extent.

Now that she is half way to finally make it a dream come true, I hope that she will be able to make it a reality. All the best!

So Long KMK!

I've finally finished my matriculation programme! Yay! But when the day finally comes.. it's not like I was so elated that I thought I would be. During the last few days in KMK, i felt awkward. I am not for sure what was the cause of it but I guessed it's simply because I just realised that going back didn't really matter so much like it used to be anymore.

I don't know why I've actually felt that way. I was always looking forward to return home every holidays and semester breaks. This time, it's odd. From then, I was for sure that KMK has became a part of me. I have to admit though.. Even though I hated the fact I got stucked here initially. For everyday, every passing minute and every passing seconds I spent in this place, my feelings for this place grew. As time passes, I slowly become fond of this place.

I still remember how sad I was when my parents walked out of my room and left me alone in KMK. I cried a few times during my first week in KMK. Nothing felt right at that point of time because it's so not like at home. Honestly, it was on the first day itself, I felt the heat in KMK. Competition is on, man! Wow, I know I am no match for these people because I know I am no super genius.

At first, I thought my life would be only about 'study-study-study' as I found myself like an average here. I really salute the top scorers, head prefects, athletes and whoever who was out of the ordinary here. Honestly, I found it tough to cope with the studies here. It's no longer like what I've been trough in secondary school. I wondered if I could pull it through this like last time. The answer slowly unfolds as time flies. I hope my efforts will pay off.

Despite feeling down and stressful here, I found the brighter side of KMK. Besides studying, there's actually a lot more to do in KMK. It was in this one year period of time, I made friends who I will definitely miss having them around after this. I became the elder sister among my the '10 sisters of KMK'. I had a chance to buck up on my mandarin as I was mixing with a lot of chinese-speaking friends. I saw a different side of life after meeting so many people from all walks of life. My mind and knowledge became broader as I learned to accept the differences.

Being in KMK was a great experience indeed. I bet I'm no longer the same old me. Well at least, maybe I'm still but not entirely. I like the times when I did crazy stuffs here. What on the world would actually make me play volleyball?! Yup! I didn't knew how I actually got myself to play volleyball. My team members and I were all amateurs. FYI: We only learned how to play volleyball for 3 days only! Of course I didn't expected much but I really wanted to give it my best shot! And guess what?! We actually won a game and..that was it. We even scored a zero for one of the games. Yikes!

The CNY celebration here was a blast. A lot of people turned up. The performances were great. I was glad that I could be part of the fan and ribbon dance. It was a tough time practising the dance for me. I saw the difference between the dance practice in my school and in KMK. Honestly, I had more fun doing the dance in my old school because we just wanted to have fun dancing. But here, I was pressurized because it gotta be perfect and nice on the real day. The fun moments I had was countable during the dance actually. Nevertheless, I wanna thank the people who taught me the dance :).. even though i did create a little commotion. I still think that we should all have fun rather than putting up sour faces when practising.

It was the first time I got the chance to feel what's like wearing a lab coat here! I was so excited but I feel no excitement at all doing lab reports except for some experiments which were really eye opening and unique, I shall say.. Being the clumsy girl as I am, I have broken a few apparatus. hehehe.. I will surely miss my lab partners for helping me making the experiments successful. The facilities of the lab here are far more advanced as to compared to my old school. That's really something I like about the labs here.

On the other hand, I met a lot of amazing people and some hard-to-forget individuals. I felt the warmth of having friends or should I say family whenever I thought of the 'mummy and the 10 sisters'. It really brought us together and most importantly we did a lot of stuffs together-celebrating birthdays, going outings, gossiping in a room, shared secrets, watching movies, eating together and the list goes on and on. Love them so much! To those who were willing to listen
to me and accompany me in times in need, thanks! And also to those who were caring towards me, thanks too! All of you are so sweet! If we ever meet again, I will definitely be so happy! To my dear lecturers, thanks for your guidance and the knowledge!

During the study week, I knew I was supposed to spend most of my time studying but yet I did take some break to hang out with my friends. I knew the times we had left to spend in KMK will soon come down to zero. So, without wanting to regret even for a little bit, I've made a promise to myself that I will do the things I 've always wanted to do. I did though but I didn't managed to accomplish some of the missions..sigh.. I just didn't have the guts to do it. Don't ask me what is it because it is something really stupid and silly and wanna keep this just to myself.

Anyway, staying in KMK really gave me a lot of memories. If I were to write down all of it.. It will be a never ending piece of work! On the last day in KMK, I was probably one of the earliest to leave. That was unexpected for me because I've really got no idea how my parents could possibly be so punctual! Sad and shocked.. The only adjectives I would used to describe the state of my mind at the time I heard that they were here in KMK already. With a lot of things to do in this very limited time. I made sure I met everyone who I wished to meet but I didn't manage to meet one important person. I went to search for her in her room but she was no where to be found. I knew she had her own stuffs to do to so I didn't wanna interrupt by calling her.

I only felt my tears when I started to walk away from my friends and when I got messages from some of my friends in the car. I really wanted to apologise for not being to stay a little longer. While in the journey back home, I couldn't help myself from thinking back those sweet memories I had in KMK. The I started to stare blankly outside. It was one moment when I felt like I wasn't thinking at all. The days were over. The only things left are memories. There's no turning back.

It will be memorable but I 'm afraid that I will start to forget the things there especially the people. Now that I wrote this, I don't think I will be able to forget. :D

Change for heaven's sake

You know that you have agreed to this and yet, you still yap. What is it with you that you can't even compromised? Seriously, I have kept my mouth shut all the while..ok maybe, I have snapped a few times but yea, it was because of your stubbornness and unawareness of what you were saying all this while. Do you know that what you have said meant something to the people around you? Do you know that we have feelings too? Are you dumb or just ignorant? I know that you are obviously not oblivious! I used to respect you when I was younger. You used to be my role model, my leader and lots more. Back then when we were younger, we were naive and innocent. So, there was nothing that you or me could have done to hurt one another but now, you are supposed to be wiser, more mature and experienced and yet, you act the other wise. You tell the people around you that you are always RIGHT and we are always at fault?! Please wake up.. Do you know that you sound like a kid when you said that? I don't want to think that but you made me to. I have tried to change your thoughts somehow but I have failed again and again. Everytime when I try, we will end up quarrelling and it goes on. When will you start to realize? When will you ever know that the people around you are not against you but we care for you? When will you stop being so self-centered and start to love others like how you love yourself? You said you are selfish because you know yourself better. Are you sure about that? Are even close to be certain about you knowing yourself best? I don't know but what I know is that life is tough and in fact, the people around you are facing a much harder life than you are. Do you even know that? Do you even try to envisage yourself in our shoes? Maybe you should live our lives for a day, then you will know how much we have been through.. I am not boasting about it but in fact, you are considered very lucky and I am sure of it. Please just be grateful is all that I hope for. I know it is pointless writing this post because I know you. Still, I believe that you have something called 'feelings', 'love' and 'responsibility' in you. I don't want to give up trying to improve you and I know I must not because it is for everyone's sake. I can only hope that you will realize one day..maybe there is only one person that could change you and I am pretty sure that you have not meet him or her yet..whoever you are, please come and save him as soon as possible..I can't stand it no more. Enough is enough.

Now, I know it

I really thought I did not like it
It was sweet but I just felt that it was nothing
Maybe I did not even try to appreciate it
Maybe it was just nothing from the start until now
Somehow, I felt that it actually meant something once
because now, I know that it did to me
Without knowing it, I actually like it
but I am not sure if I should anymore
I think it is worthless now
I am glad that I did not start it
because I do not think that I will stay with it for a long time
So, why waste my time?
I only realized it when it was gone and taken away
far beyond from my reach now
It will never look back and think of the past no more
It has grown and it is able to move now
So, it travelled and I knew it was going away
At that point, I felt nothing
because it was just like another norm
another 'it'
another nothing to me
I wished that it felt that it was something too
because I know it is not nothing anymore
It is something to me and I know it.
=D

Back at home

Well, here I am again, back at home during the weekends after 5 days studying in uniten. I have to admit that I really miss being at home although I have the opportunity to be at home every week. I pity my sis and also, my friends who have to stay in their college during the weekends as they are staying far away. So, I am really grateful to be here writing this post. Since I might not have the chance to be home in years to come, I thought that its better for me to spend more time at home while I still can. Eventhough my friends would tease me about going home every weekend, I will still appreciate that I can still go back and spend more time in my very own sweet home. I like my home, really. This is where I grew up, shed the most tears over the pettiest things and memorable issues, played with my sis and bro, argued with my dad, mum, sis and bro, watched TV and also, cooked for the very first time in my life. This place shrinks as time passes. When I was younger, everything was big and huge but as for now, I find this place much smaller and its condition has improved so much compared to that when I was young. Thanks to those who have helped us!(I bet you know who you are if you would ever read this post of mine in a time still to come). We definitely owed you all a big one. I must admit I did not like it when there are visitors coming over. The main reason is because I felt that my home is unlike any other ordinary home that you have seen and thought of. I was ashamed and maybe until now, still am of it. That is probably the reason why I did not want to organize any parties or what so ever even if I really want to deep inside within me. It is not the fact that I do not want to but I am paranoid thinking that everyone else would change their thoughts of who I am or maybe I just have high expectations. Truthfully, I envy those who have a proper home. I really do. If you have a nice cozy home, you better be grateful of it. I like my home too regardless of my thoughts of it throughout my whole life. That is why I have promised myself that I would have a nice, proper and presentable home in the future. I want to be proud and happy being able to live in it. It was and still a wish and hope that I have when I was little until today. This is probably one of the most longed for wishes and hopes that I have. I really want to live this dream of mine and I hope it comes true. =D