~When everything seems impossible~

When everything seems impossible, I really feel like giving up. I even felt like leaving everything that I have now and just run away. If I have wings, I shall fly as far as I can. If I have a car, I shall drive to a place where I do not need to worry about all that I have now. If I could just turn back time and correct all my wrong doings and not waste time on pathetic things. If I could only realized earlier that I can do more and achieve more when I was younger. Sometimes, I even wished that I could just sleep forever and never wake up. If the rain will help me to wash away all my worries and frustrations and give me the rainbow. Despite all these, there is one thing that is holding me back from doing this. And that is my parents’ hope, my dreams and more importantly, my future! There is still a glimpse of hope within myself that tells me that I can go through this. I hope I can! I believe I can! I will get what I have always wanted!

During my years in secondary, I have a perception that SPM is the MOST important exam in my life. All I had in mind was, getting straight As in SPM will ensure me a scholarship to continue my tertiary education. I thought that I would settle my education locally. When I first got the Yayasan Sime Darby’s scholarship, I did not know anything about the procedures or preparations needed to study aboard. I have never heard of MIT, Cornell, Carnegie Mellon and of course, Universiti Tenaga Nasional(UNITEN) as well. NEVER!

During the first three months of arduous studying for TOEFL, SAT and AP, I broke down many times. Unable to cope up with the work load and pressure, my relatives started to doubt my capabilities. It was a tough time for me. I cannot complain to my parents because they would blurt it out to my relatives. At the same time, I can no longer rely on my twin sister who I have always depended on when I faced any difficulties as she is busy with school and we do not get to see one another that often anymore. My uncle who is my guarantor was questioning on the scholarship’s agreement. I know that he is afraid of the risk that he had to take. I cannot blame him for feeling so. After all, he and my relatives have done a lot to help my family. I know that I cannot demand for anything more and that I should be happy and satisfy for what I have now. I could only wish that they would understand my situation.

As expected, I did not achieve good results for all my examinations-AP, TOEFL and SAT. Although I did not fail the exams, my scores were not good enough for the scholarship’s requirement and the universities’ requirements. I have tried my best, I must say but things just don’t go the way I wanted them to be. I was lucky that I was not questioned by my relatives. I really did not want to disappoint anyone. Be it my parents, relatives, sponsor and myself. To compensate for my failures, I intend to work harder for my second semester.

During this semester, many other scholars from JPA and Bank Negara came as well. We have to join classes with them for foundation studies. The Sime Darbians have fewer classes than the JPA and Bank Negara scholars’ but not for me. I had to join the JPA’s TOEFL classes as I did not manage to obtain high scores. I had to focus on so many subjects. At this point, I felt life is unfair. I have too much to do in very little time. When everyone around was preparing for SATs, I was preparing for TOEFL. When everyone was preparing for Foundation exams, I was concentrating on my SAT and TOEFL. Breaking down seems to be a norm. It is good as I can just let it out and not keep it within myself. Life is surely hectic.

I did not too bad for my second semester in UNITEN. Although not all things went according to what I had hoped, I think I had improved. My SATs scores have showed increments and I was proud of myself for the first time in that year. However, I did not manage to nail TOEFL. I was rather devastated though. I thought that I would have nailed it but I guess I am wrong. During the month of November and December, most of us were busy with universities’ applications. They were arduous and tedious. In fact, I hated them. Plus, I had to retake my TOEFL. I went to Penang to retake the exam. When I was on my way to take my TOEFL exam in Penang, a friend of mine sent me a message stating that she got a place a Cornell! I was happy for her but not for myself. I wished that I was her at that point of time. As time passes, two other friends of mine have also secured places in Carnegie Mellon. Ouch! I felt like I was stabbed. Why can’t I just be like them? I am not too bad, am I? I started to question my own abilities. These moments made me felt like an idiot because everyone was able to ace in a go unlike me who needed to ace in a few trials. There were even times where I wished that I could be in their shoes. I felt like I have the least time among everyone. Everything seems to be going in a pretty fast pace for me. The exams are never ending-one exam after the other. Life is just hectic for me. I wished that I could just stop time and do whatever I want! When things weren’t going the way that I hope they would, I question myself again and again. I believe that I too am no different from them. If they could do it, so can I!

Although I know that my English may not be the best, I have always thought that my English Language was good and not too bad. After taking the TOEFL exam for four times, I guess I am not ‘good’ as I thought I was. My English is not on par with the other applicants. Plus, I am a banana. I speak English ever since I was at a very young age. English was the second language that I have learnt after Hokkien. Until now, I would still prefer to converse in English than any other language that I know. Thinking of it makes me feel more ashamed of myself. How can I not score 100 and above just like what others have done in their first attempt? What do they have that I don’t possess? Or is it that I am the only stupid one? I don’t know and I hope I am not.

One lazy morning, I log in my facebook and saw my friends’ name listed in an article stating that they got into their respective universities. I wished my name was there too. So, I thought of trying my luck and check my application status for University of Michigan. Honestly, I was frustrated with it because I faced some problems in my application. But I thought, “Why not just take a look at it? No harm, what..” Amazingly, I got accepted as a student! My life seems to get better now..and I hope it will turn out even better!
=D